Fawnlikethedeer

fruity

2012-01-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm learning on a daily basis that resting in God's presence is the only way to produce the fruits of the Spirit, i.e. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control (found in Galatians 5:22-23 of the Bible). I can't strain hard enough to pop out joy or self-control.

Last week our teacher, Jason Vallotton, told us his story about losing all function of his hands and arms due to what he eventually found out was stress. He was encouraged to ask his heart what it was thinking. He was totally ignoring his heart and relying more on performance. Now, he has brought healing to his heart and his hands.

He asked us to talk to our hearts.

Fawn's heart, how am I treating you? I am changed by what I heard.

My heart said, "You don't have to protect me so hard."

I told my heart that it was in extreme pain right now.

My heart said, "No, I'm not. You won't let the pain reach me. You (my ego) are the only one hurting."

Ugh. My heart was right. Yeah, yeah, you could pretty much say that they're all the same, but I feel a difference. I keep my heart pulled back from people because I am anticipating the pain. I feel the pain, but I believe it's my ego that's taking the majority of the hit.

I brought this revelation to my small group of four other women. One woman who hears God very clearly shared this vision she had during a worship service:

She was standing in front of Jesus. He held out his hands to reveal he was holding her heart. He leaned forward and kissed it. He told her only he can protect her heart and only he can give it away.

So simple.

Some of the lies that continue to come against me are extremely painful, and I haven't known what to do with them because, by experience, they appear to be true. For the last few days I have heard these lies, felt the pain of them, allowed the tears to flow, and then, I've remembered Jesus holding my heart, leaning forward to kiss it, and saying, "Only I can protect your heart. Only I can give it away."

I can strive all day to be perfect and my results will always be disappointing. I can't do it. I'm taking a deep breath, resting in the presence of my God who is in a good mood and loves me (and you), and am allowing His presence to heal me where the fruits of His Spirit can naturally grow.

"i wont that," said with a southern accent

2011-12-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

My 18 year old friend from the South Africa trip told me tonight that I need to consolidate my words when I write my blog. He would prefer short stories rather than the "novels" I've been posting. Well, I'm happy with the 400 hits I get a month, but I'm going to attempt to appease his poverty mindset during the holidays.

Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry has encouraged us to celebrate in other people's success and breakthroughs. For example: A student is given a check for $1,000. I could be jealous. I could say, "Why not me?" I could say, "They don't deserve that!" I could be bitter. OR, I could celebrate in their victory and say, "That's awesome, God. I'll have some of that, too." If we have the opportunity, we are to ask the person who received the $1,000 to pray for the same blessings to fall on us, and they will be glad to share. Why? Because the more we give away the more receive. In God's Kingdom there's a never ending supply.

Today, I spent some time with one of my good friends and her newborn son. We laughed and talked the whole day about what it's like to be a new mom. When her husband came home they told me about their worst fight they've had in their marriage. It was over the dumbest of things. They were both concerned that I would think less of them, but all I heard was how well they try to respect each other when they fight. Seeing that my friend had her hands full with their baby, her husband took over preparing lunch for us and even cleaned up after us.

In the past my resentment would have come out in self-pity. "When will it be my turn? blah, blah, blah." Not this time! I praised God for their beautiful marriage and family and asked my friend to pray that my future marriage be as happy as hers. She gladly did. I declare a beautiful marriage over my life.

You want breakthrough in something? Find someone who has it and be friends with them. Ask them how they received breakthrough and have them pray for you.

"festivus for the rest of us"

2011-12-12T05:36:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend the 10 other ladies that I live with invited the house of 9 guys from up the street to join us for a Christmas party; a true Festivus as seen on Seinfeld, although without wrestling either heads of the households or participating in "Airing of Grievances" at dinner. We waited until picture time.

You might actually be surprised that I was lead in planning this shindig considering these are the same guys from the post Old Lady in which I detailed their repeated emotional/verbal abuse. Re-reading the post I can see that I wasn't in the best of moods after meeting the younger half of the house. Shockingly, I gave the house a few more tries with many failures, but eventually, each one won me over. 1) Later, three of the guys who had not been at the first meeting, gave me a ride to church when my car wasn't working, 2) British Simon, 22, offered to help me fix my lawn mower when I couldn't get it to start, 3) The girls hosted a bon fire/pool party at our house and they all came over, 4) Niel (who they originally commented on me being "even older than") is in my Teaching English as a Foreign Language class, and we have become friends, and 5) Jesse turned out to be their oldest member at 29 years old and just having someone older than I am makes me feel awesome. The one who called me old several times at first turned out to be my favorite for a while. I love each one of these guys so much. We sit with most of them in class. We trade hanging out at each other's homes on an almost daily basis. I enjoy the girls that hang out with them, too! The girl who refused to admit I was in her Revival Group is now like another little sister. How does this happen? How? God just redeems. He keeps redeeming everything.

For our Christmas Festival we partnered up to bring one dish per group. Some of the guys were a little hesitant (cough, Niel). After some chiding by at least 3 of us (ah, the beauty of women) Niel buckled under the pressure and agreed to split the cost of ham and green bean casserole with me. Here he is putting the finishing touches on the casserole. We told the guys we might dress up, but we didn't want to tell them they had to. They all enthusiastically came over dressed better than we.

As the guys started to trickle in the more musically inclined played piano and guitar. I remembered back to the two weeks I spent in South Africa this summer with 17 people under one roof. I asked God then to provide me with a house full of people and music. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon! We spent the rest of the evening with 19 people eating all kinds of holiday or culturally electric food. In all our party consisted of these countries: USA, UK, France, Norway, Sweden, and Mexico. We laughed, ate, danced, sang, and took photos. Unfortunately, I don't have a copy of the whole group, yet, but here's what I do have:

Just sittin' around, chattin' it up. 14 out of 19 people. No big deal.

Laugh it up, ladies!

Model poses

"Please Karin, just one photo, I promise. Oh! We need another."

French Melodie, Niel, and Mischa. He came down to talk to the little people.

"Come one. Come all! Step right up. Take a photo with the tall guy!" One of our jokes with Niel is that we see him all the time. He says innocently in response, "I didn't see you." Then we say, "Look down sometime!"

"So, how are we doing this picture thing?"

Nobody does it quite like us.

Marly, Me, Jaimee

Good way to end this post.

dance, dance...revelation?

2011-12-10T11:48:00.001-08:00

I could write about a million things I've learned in the last couple of weeks.

Like the other day I was at my Zimbabwe missions meeting and our leader, Kate, said something that changed the way I want to lead people in my own life. She introduced our other leader Eunice to us with eloquence. She told us what Eunice has meant to her in her own life, Eunice's accomplishments, and how the Holy Spirit works in her life. At the end Kate said she feels it's really important to truly show how you feel about a person in public because it changes the way everyone else sees that person. Wow! That's not complicated. That's not rocket science, and yet, I rarely do it. After Eunice we went through each person in the room individually (20+ people) and just told them how we see them through God's eyes. I knew three people moderately well at the beginning of the night. Now, I feel connected to almost everyone in the room. I am so excited about bringing our group to Zimbabwe.

On Tuesday my roommate Ester finally talked me into going to partner dance class with her. I was nervous because I have very little experience with partner dancing. I wrote about the things I learned around a year ago when I took one class my friend Houston. Click What if I take a dance class? to read. I pretty much went through the same thought process. "I don't know these men. I have to trust them. This guy won't look me in the eye, but I can tell he's planning his next move. This guy doesn't give enough tension, but he looks me in the face and tells me I'm good for this being my first time. This guy needs a lot of affirmation. This guy intimidates me. I can't dance with him." I also make a lot of sound effects when I'm dancing. I squeal and shriek in fear, so I told one guy several times, "Ok. Let's do that again and I won't scream. I promise I trust you," which is a total lie, but I'm lying to myself hoping the lie will become true. I love dancing, but it really causes me to see my controlling behavior. I think I'll go again next week.

We talked about community in school on Thursday. The basic theme: Independence kills. Christianity was meant to exist in community. I learn that everyday with my precious roommates. Mischa and I practice brave communication on a consistent basis. I like to think we're preparing each other for marriage. We argue over so many things, and I absolutely love her. We attempt to keep that heart to heart connection through every argument. If one of us realizes that we've lost that connection, whether purposefully done or by accident, we try to get it back. We just keep working on it. The point is no relationship is without arguments, but it's that heart to heart connection that has to be our focus through it all. I'm not always successful, but I'm so glad I get to practice with a good friend.

Also on Tuesday, I went to my Advanced Ministry Training (AMT) class. We divided a piece of paper into two columns. One column was for things we would like to see breakthrough in our own lives and the other for breakthrough we would like to see in the world. We listed as many things as we possibly could think of. Then, we circled one from each column not knowing what we would do next. We had to ask God how He was going to provide breakthrough for both with the same answer. For my own life I want breakthrough with personal relationships. For the world I want to see my friend's unborn baby girl to be completely healed from a chromosomal defect. When I asked how breakthrough would come I heard, "Joy and confidence in what you were both created to be will be your breakthrough." Then, we had 30 minutes to paint this breakthrough. The painting isn't my masterpiece. I don't even know how to use watercolors anymore, but ,y breakthrough was the actual art. The outside, blue part is this world. Storms come and frighten us, but God provides the life-giving rain. Weeds tell us that we're not meant to live, we're not meant to be here, but we grow in our confidence. We overcome this world with the blood of Jesus and we press into Heaven where truth lives. Both Baby Girl and I are pressing into Heaven to be who we're supposed to be. We were created to live from Heaven to Earth not the other way around. As we become who God created us to be, we attract the life and the relationships that we are supposed to have (the bee). Not all of these things were clear to me as I painted. I was more concerned about my sky flowing into itself, but when I looked at the finished product I saw what God was trying to say.

I am so happy to come visit Nashville next week and stay for a few weeks. I'm ready to see my friends, family, and church family! It'll be a good time to see if the things I've learned here will translate back home. I know not everyone agrees with everything I learn here, but I'm so thankful to have the support of my home church. A special thanks goes to the parents of the youth ministry I worked for. Because of their generosity most of my plane ticket home was paid for! When you support me you become a part of what I learn here. My breakthrough becomes your breakthrough because of our connection.

God is so good! He's in a good mood! And He loves you! I pray you encounter Him today.

"that's a good word right there"

2011-11-22T11:00:00.001-08:00

I've told you a little bit about "calling the gold" out of people. Yesterday, in class, my friend Mika came to me and said, "I have a word for you, but I won't be able to get through it right now. I'll Facebook message it to you."

I was really excited because I have gotten very few "words" here. My roommates come home with at least three a day. I've gotten a few when we were forced to give them, but not many people have come to me with a volunteering spirit. Mischa (my roommate) suggested I ask God for one (considering He's the source). Yesterday morning, I asked Him for one and forgot about it. Then, Mika got one! Woohoo!

Here is the fabulous beyond accurate "word" she got for me. If you like it and it applies to you, then grab it for yourself...I'm learning to share, anyways :)

Okay Fawn, God and I agree, you're genuinely amazing. And here's why!
You have such a youthful spirit and a zest for life. Yet, it's grounded in this regality of wisdom and the assurance of your identity. You know who you are in most areas but there are still places in which God is establishing what you're supposed to look like. You're in process and you're handling it very well. It just takes a while to grow up in the Kingdom because you're growing into your position as royalty. The longer the training, the greater the reigning. (yeah, I just threw a lil rhyme into your word.)

Don't feel like you need to have it all together. You're just a little princess running around the palace.
I feel like you're in a season of surgery, and it's not plastic surgery. This isn't about looking pretty. This is about being as healthy as you possibly can be. God is performing heart and corrective eye surgery on you and you have to be sedated for both of them. You have to let Him sedate you, trusting that He's going to handle you gently and His incisions are perfectly executed. However, He's not doing it because there's something wrong with you. He's just making you better and more complete. You can go through life wearing glasses and be just fine but that's not how He meant for you to see things. You don't need to filter Him through man-made lenses. He created you to look directly into His face- without shame, theology, brokenness, works, or fear impeding your vision. It is your birthright to see your Daddy in all His glory and it need not be earned nor tempered.

As far as the heart surgery goes, I feel like this song is for you. You've been really good at protecting your heart but He wants you to know that He's even better at it. You don't have to protect yourself from Him. The Father is singing this to you because you are so precious to Him. He delights in you and He wants you, all of you. (This is a secular love song so not everything is exactly what He wants to say, but I think you'll get the gist.)

One And Only" by Adele
http://youtu.be/8glDy7OsHNs

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name,
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learnt it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learnt it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

So, yeah, you're a big deal. He cherishes you. I am honored to know you.

That's all!
Love you, Fawn!

jesus encounters

2011-11-19T01:11:00.001-08:00

Each day God pursues my heart in unique way.

When I was in high school my best friend and I made fun of girls who said Jesus was their boyfriend. I couldn't comprehend what that meant.

I knew these things:

Jesus is God's son.
Jesus was miraculously born of a virgin.
Jesus lived without sinning ever.
In the last years of his young life he healed people and showed people what God's heart was like.
Jesus appeared arrogant to the religious leaders, so they plotted to have Jesus killed.
Jesus knew this would happen.
Jesus was mocked and beaten and hung on a cross to die.
Jesus was placed in a tomb and three days later rose from the dead.
Because Jesus was without sin, he became a sacrifice for all people.
Jesus took our punishment for sinning from us.
Now, if we accept this gift from Jesus, we can live with Him inside of us.

I knew these basics. I knew it took a lot of faith to believe these impossible stories, but I believed Jesus was my Savior. I still believe that, but I could not take Him on as my boyfriend. Too weird.

Well, I have changed my mind. I think the word boyfriend brings in a sexual connotation, and that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a true, intimate relationship with my God who loves me. We are no longer distant acquaintances.

Let me explain how this happened.

One of our teachers asked us to close our eyes one day in class.

Picture a garden. I did.

Picture Jesus sitting at a fountain. I did.

Go, sit by him. I did.

Ask him a question. I think I asked him what he thought about me.

He scooped me in his arms, and I became a child. A visual I'm relatively comfortable with.

Then he said to me, "I like having fun with you."

From there in my mind, we played in all kinds of settings. We tackled each other to the ground. We swung on a swing. We laughed and joked.

Then, the exercise was over.

A few days later I was at a worship service and decided to go back to my garden. Jesus was wearing regular clothing that any guy might wear. We hung out on a blanket. Then, I thought about the wounds that would be on his back after taking a beating. I had him turn over and lifted his shirt. The wounds were still there. I remembered the story in the Bible of the woman washing Jesus' feet with her hair, so I used my hair to wash the dried blood off his back. I began to cry at the thought of his pain. He told me he loved my tenderness.

With each encounter with Jesus in my mind I started to see and hear how much he loves me. I've asked him questions. Sometimes he answers and sometimes he remains silent.

Most recently, I saw myself in a white wedding dress. Jesus walked out on the dance floor in a tux. He had trimmed his beard for me. All of the sudden, I realized we were at our wedding reception preparing for our first dance. For a second, I remembered my old cynical ways and laughed. I didn't care! Jesus and I danced like we were in love. We are in love! We slow danced. We danced with the rest of the guest. We worshiped God in our dance. It was beautiful.

I'm telling you it's one of the coolest experiences. If you haven't tried it...try it! Have an encounter with God! It changes the entire way you feel towards God. He loves you! He created you! All of the cool things about you first started with God! Ask Him what He thinks about you! If you hear something negative then you're listening to the wrong voice. Press into the goodness!!!

humor god

2011-10-31T00:36:00.000-07:00

At some point in my life I realized I was funny. I wasn't just funny for a girl. I was funny like a dude. Guys appreciated my humor. A-ha! A way to be comfortable around men! I had found it. I could make them laugh. I was really good at this one thing. Girls thought I was funny, too. At times I could be in a room full of people making them laugh. Someone said I had a dry sense of humor. I noticed that if I didn't laugh immediately after saying something outrageous I would get more laughs. Saying something shocking with a straight face seemed to be the easiest way. I had discovered humor, and it has become my identity.

I've never been great at being a safe place for guys. I make fun of them like their male friends do. I thought this was what guys liked. I thought this was the only way I could be found attractive to them. Somehow, over time, it has become my only way of relating to the opposite sex at all.

Recently, I was at our neighbor's house. The one with ten guys living together. Many of my roommates had gone with me. At some point one of the guys asked what it would be like if the entire room was covered in mirrors. Without thinking I said, "It would like a porno." Honestly, if I had thought about it, I still would have said it. It's my thing. It's what I do. I say shocking things to be funny. It's funny, right?

Apparently, not.

The room got quiet. People got awkward. One guy eluded to that being an inappropriate topic. I felt defensive, and the subject was changed.

Today, my roommate Mischa and I practiced healthy confrontation. I gave her an opportunity to tell me things that she had struggled with me over the week. She mentioned the porno joke, and I told her I, basically, thought she was being overly sensitive.

I'm not used to this culture. Yeah, I'm around Christians in Nashville but not such sensitive ones. Here, my housemates cover their eyes when any kind of sexual scene comes on the television. I think it's awesome that they're protecting themselves, but I don't always understand why it's necessary.

Then, I asked one of the guys from that house what they thought about the joke. He supported what Mischa had told me. They, as men, are trying to protect themselves, and for me to mention porn jokingly, automatically brings up images.

It's not like I'm naive. I know sex has been distorted for men. I just didn't realize they had to be that guarded.

I didn't realize I had become that desensitized.

Photo by George Marks

So now, I feel like I'm going through an identity crisis. Mischa isn't sure whether to give me a hug or just let me be alone. I told her alone.

I've apologized to some of the guys for not protecting them. I'm more concerned about my male friends in Nashville and possibly teens that I've worked with. I mean, there's no telling how many men I haven't protected because I was trying to be funny. Don't worry. I won't hold myself responsible for too long. I'll just rest in the Holy Spirit as He redeems and reclaims my sense of humor.

Until then...I just won't say anything at all...riiiiiight.

"i'll be your father"

2011-10-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't written in a while. Everyday at Bethel is like open-heart surgery. God slices through my skin, crakes open my ribs, works on my heart, and then sends me home. Lately, I've told not to bother putting me back together. He'll just have to do it all over again the next day. You would think by sending me home I would at least receive rest. No, as soon as I come home to the eleven beautiful women I currently live with it, I find healthy and unhealthy confrontation waiting to be, well, confronted. My life in Redding, CA is worth all of the pain because I see incredible growth upon the horizon.

I went camping with two of my housemates recently. Elisabeth from Norway, Melodie from Oregon, and I took a small weekend trip to Whiskeytown Lake and camped under the stars near Brandy Creek Falls. When we arrived ladybugs had infested the entire camp. I felt annoyed. Elisabeth and Melodie, being graduates from all three years at Bethel, were more apt to see the prophetic. "What do you think God's trying to tell us?" Melodie exclaimed in her sing-song voice.

We walked off in different directions to spend some time alone. Earlier, I asked the ranger if the ladybugs were normal. He told us they hadn't seen these numbers in this area ever. I asked God, "Are you trying to tell us something with all of those ladybugs?" I didn't hear an answer from God. So, I went with the solid go-to: Let your Bible randomly open to a page and see if God speaks to you. The book of Esther sat before me, chapter 2.

This is what stood out to me:

¹² Before a young woman’s turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics. ¹³ And this is how she would go to the king: Anything she wanted was given her to take with her from the harem to the king’s palace. ¹⁴ In the evening she would go there and in the morning return to another part of the harem to the care of Shaashgaz, the king’s eunuch who was in charge of the concubines. She would not return to the king unless he was pleased with her and summoned her by name.

Ladybugs represent femininity to me. I think it's in A Bug's Life where the ladybugs is a dude but gets hit on by male bugs. We call them LADYbugs for a reason, right? I told the girls I believe this is a time (or season as they say here) for beautification, preparation. God is pursuing us for marriage. The ladybugs represent a new shift in our lives.

So, last Monday an old wound was, once again, opened. Just when I think I'm done with the father issues, boom, God says, "We've got more work to do." My Single Life Workshop group asked, "When have you felt rejected?" Some days I can talk about my dad like it doesn't bother me at all. Seriously, there's no striving in it. I feel completely healed some days. For many reasons that I can't discuss publicly, I was not able to do that a week ago Monday. I snotted everywhere as one of my leaders prayed for me to receive a father figure. I hope the men from my home church don't take this as a dig to them. I have so many father figures in my life, but I've never had any of them call me up and say, "Hey, I would like to spend some time with you." I understand why they don't. It's awkward. I'm not a child anymore, so it could be misunderstood. Lots of reasons that I totally understand, but I will say...I believe this is why we can't be close to each other. People are afraid to speak boundaries for relationships, so they just never truly get to know the heart of people. That's another post.

Anyways, I had been crying everyday for a week up until this week's Monday. I was totally raw from being ripped open. God was so good to me through all of it. One guy in my Revival Group was so discerning. He knew something was going on with me. He didn't pry. No questions asked except, "Can I pray for you?" I was so thankful for the way he took care of me every day. The men in our Revival Group have taken on their brotherly role so carefully, so thoughtfully.

On this Monday, I walked into class telling myself to be happy. I'm happy! I sat next to my good friend and housemate Marly and noticed an older man talking to her from the row in front of us. My automatic thoughts seem to go to, "Is this man creepy or safe?" I waited. He turned back around to face the stage. Worship began. One of the Revival Group Pastors stood before us and asked us to raise our hands if we were having a rough week. "I thought, "I'm so tired of being the one who reassess their hand," as I raised my hand and expected the people around to start praying. Indeed, they did. The older man turned around to pray for me. He asked what I had been dealing with, and I quickly told him father issues and rejection...blah, blah, blah. He took the lead to pray for me. As he prayed I continued to wonder, "Is this man safe?" He began to pray for my father's heart, and I broke down into convulsive sobs. He said into my ear, "As a father to girls, I can tell you sometimes fathers just don't know how to love their daughters." I cried harder. I hurt for my dad. I hurt for me. I went to move my hair out of my face, but the man had gotten to it first. I felt he was safe, but I didn't know. He pointed to the boy next him and said, "This is my son." He pointed to the black boy on the other side of him and said, "This is my adopted son." He looked at me and said, "I'll be your father." I laughed and cried at the same time. As far as I know, no one's ever said that to me.

Right then, I felt the simple love of God. When people show you love that's the Father's heart. He's loving you through them. When people do bad things to you, that's the Enemy's heart for you. So plain. So simple. For someone like me who has a difficult time knowing that God loves me, I needed to know that. When your father doesn't know how to love you, you don't know how to love your father. I've made God like my earthly father. I don't know how Father God loves me. I don't know how to love Father God except by striving. I'm gonna rest.

Later, the speaker for the day asked if there was anyone in the room who needed a father or mother. I raised my hand. The man turned around, looked at me as if to say, "I've got you."

He gave me his card expecting me to contact him. I think I will.

Yesterday, I told my friends about this experience and I realized something else. When that man told me, "This is my son," I knew I could trust him. I had seen his son around school over the weeks. My roommate had told me what as incredible guy he was. If this boy was this man's son, if this was the fruit of this man, then I could trust him. Jesus, Father God's son, came to earth to reveal the heart of Father God. If Jesus is the fruit of God, then I can trust God. The man also said, "This is my adopted son." Since Monday, that young man has hugged me everyday. He has remembered who I am everyday. If this young man is the fruit of the older man, then he must be safe. I've looked around at all of the people in my life who have treated me well and loved me. They are the adopted sons and daughters of God. If they are the fruit of God, then I can trust Father God, Abba Father.

I bless you, Reader. That Abba Father reveals his heart to you today, as well.

(I just wrote this without checking it. Sorry. Don't make fun of my mistakes! :)

never write in a bad mood

2011-10-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

As some of you may have realized, I am slightly outspoken. Outspoken combined with sickliness equals bad attitude writing. I apologize when I do these things which I know I shouldn't do.

God's love overpowers the sick, though. I went to school on Monday deciding that a cold was not going to get the best of me. At the end of the day I went to my Revival Group (65+ people) and heard one of our wonderful interns tell us how God had worked His love through him.

Isn't that just how God does it? You may not know, actually. I certainly go through times where I have no clue about the Father's love.

He loves you.

He is nice.

He laughs.

Want to know how the Father feels about you? Read Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. Whatever Jesus does is what God does. He wants the best for you. He does not create cancer. He does not make your father abuse you. He does not manipulate you to love Him. He loves you whether you ever love Him back or not. He loves you. YOU! When He created you, He put characteristics of Himself in YOU. He does not want you to perish. He wants you to have everlasting life with Him. He wants you to choose Him; do life with Him.

As I listened to my intern talk about his past and the darkness he lived in, I thought about my own past darkness. I've been very honest with you concerning depression and my thankfulness for the tools I have to fight it now. Knowing that you're particularly special can put your life into perspective. Here, at Bethel School, I hear in at least 15 different ways everyday that I am God's favorite. After a while, no matter how self-deprecating I want my sense-of-humor to be, I can't keep myself from knowing how wonderful I am. Haha! I'm really amazing! (psssss, so are you)

When my intern finished speaking, Carl (Revival Group Pastor), asked if anyone had gotten a job recently. He had those people pray for the people who were still looking. He then asked for anyone who had received financial breakthrough recently, and they prayed for those still in need of tuition money. He asked if anyone else needed prayer, and I shouted, "I'm sick." The girl in which I referred to as Pollyanna in the last post pointed her finger at me and said, "No, you're not. Be healed in the name of Jesus!" I began to laugh remembering how positive she is. Several people surrounded me and began to pray for my cold to leave. I felt a strong heaviness on my chest that I assumed was a part of the fluid collecting in my chest. My friend, Jaap (Yaap) from Holland (The Netherlands), said he felt a heaviness on his chest.

This is where I need to explain the process of "Words of Knowledge." I learned about this a few years ago and thought it was crazy, so I know what many of you are thinking. Just save your skepticism until the end. Some of you may be more sensitive than others when you're around people. Your empathy (ability to feel what people feel emotionally) is probably stronger than, say, my empathy. Now, shift emotional to physical. In the Christian "Supernatural" world, people are in tune with their bodies. The Holy Spirit may allow you to physically feel the pain of another person. So, let's say you didn't have an ache in your ankle but now you do. You think, "Why is my ankle hurting?" It could be your pain, but it could belong to someone else. I have never noticed my body feeling unexplained pain, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen to other people. Feeling a physical pain not of your own is one aspect of a word of knowledge. God actually gives you knowledge that you couldn't have acquired on your own. When you speak this pain aloud to the person with the problem, the body part is healed, hopefully.

It doesn't take a genius to assume a person who is coughing my have some heaviness in the chest, but as soon as Jaap asked about the chest, the pain moved up higher. I told them it moved and they began to pray against the heaviness. I knew what the problem was, though. I had a terrible experience with Bronchitis in February and was paying medical bills up until the end of July. I have had a fear of getting it again with every bill. I told the group this and they spoke against the fear. The heaviness moved to my throat. I remembered the 1-2-3 Skidoo and spoke, "I break off all agreements I've made with being sick and having bronchitis. I receive health." The heaviness completely broke off of me. It was awesome. Was my nose still stopped up? Yep. Was I still coughing? Yep. But I felt released to get well. God made our bodies to fight disease but our stress suppresses the immune system from properly functioning. I believe the enemy had a stronghold in my life via Fear. As soon as I spoke against that fear, I was able to let my immune system do what it was created to do. I immediately began to heal.

God is so good.

That night I went to my Single Life Workshop where we learn how to do all relationships well. When the meeting was over my small group leader looked at me and said, "You're amazing. When I look at you I just want to tell you how amazing you are." I live in a culture where talking like this is natural. Everyone wants you to know how God sees you. Hearing that you're amazing, however, is a very uncomfortable statement to hear especially when the guy telling you is good-looking. I awkwardly smiled and tried to throw the compliment back at him, "You're amazing, too." He wouldn't let me. He said it again. I ran away. I understood his intentions. They were simple. I'm amazing. No pursuit inferred. Just simply acknowledging that I have been made to be amazing. My first inclination was to question why. Why or how am I amazing? I asked myself this question as I was running away from the statement. I stopped myself. He doesn't have to know why I'm amazing for me to know. I ran down a list in my head of how I'm amazing.

Reader, take note. I have never thought like this before. A build up of hearing that I am a Daughter of God over the last few weeks has ruined my thinking. When you know you are a co-heir with Jesus Christ, talking badly about yourself becomes much more difficult.

At the end of the list I agreed with his statement. I'm amazing.

I want to encourage you to do the same. Build yourself up daily and become what you are: A Son or Daughter of the King of Kings.

And for those of you worried about being humble: When you know who you are you have nothing to prove. Humility and confidence work together not against each other.

sickly by sicky

2011-10-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

I've been rather sickly the last couple of days. We're only allowed 16 total absences, so I've made myself go to school. After all, it's only the fourth week. Someone in my Revival Group enthusiastically asked, "Why would you not come to a supernatural school if you were sick?" In my mind I thought, "Well, Pollyanna, sometimes God just wants you to rest."

I have a friend that I met here at BSSM that has severe pain all over her body. It's due to someone nerve damage from a sugery she had a couple of years ago. She's missed a lot of classes and has considered quitting. I've seen her prayed for several times already with very little change.

She's prayed for many people and seen them healed and yet she continues in pain. She explains it as knives stabbing her throughout her body. The doctors give her no hope of relief. Christians give her patronizing hope. If I were her I would have lost patience with the well-meaning Christians a long time ago. I might scream at them, "You don't understand! I can't just faith this away!"

We invited our neighbors over last night to worship. They are a large house of guys that some of our younger housemates have grown close to. As we praised God my stopped up head became worse. The heat in the room became a torment to me as I began to sweat. My friend who lives in pain raised her hands to praise the God who seems to ignore her petitions. In my mind I spoke the truth to myself. We bring heaven to earth. There are no colds in heaven. Nope, still sick. I threw my focus to my friend. Jesus, bring healing tonight! Please don't let her suffer anymore. She needs to be at this school. She needs our friendship.

We prayed for her. We all felt this sense that we were brought to this house at this moment to pray for her; to love her. She had a huge smile on her face, but her body wasn't healed. She was smiling because she felt loved. She had been living alone for the last month. I think she had been making friends, but she had essentially been alone. Moving into our house temporarily with 10 girls who immediately loved her and listened to her had brought love into body. I wish our love could heal her. It may in the end.

I guess sometimes that's all God supernaturally wants from us. Step out of your own issues. Come out of your own miseries, your tormenting thoughts, and love someone.

I need to acknowledge some fear that some of my readers are having. I am going to a school that makes many people uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure what the discomfort is about, but I'm okay with answering your questions. Like at any school the teachers have opinions that I agree and disagree with. They tell us on a daily basis to come to school with an open mind, but if something hits us as incorrect then explore those thoughts and figure out what's right. We each wear our own clothing that we bought from Target or wherever. We're given a huge amount of freedom and trust. I live with other Bethel students, but the school doesn't have a say in what we can or can't do with our house. They ask us not to have parties where heavy drinking of alcohol occurs because of the impact the Bethel Church wants to have on the community. That's way less controlling than the university I attended. Do we talk about the spiritual realm? Yes, but that's what Christians are accustomed to. We talk about God and his angels and Satan and demons. That's something we believe in. That's nothing new or at least it shouldn't be. As far as the "Holy Spirit" parties...ehhh, yeah, they're weird. Do I get it? No. Nor do I understand why women love to shop and spend money that they don't have or men who love sports more than spending time with their children. If any of these things come to a point where my opinion will be appreciated then I will share. Until then, I'm just exercising a peaceful conversation with God. Please don't worry about me. I am 28 years old and of very sound mind. I may smile when you talk, but I don't always agree with what you're saying. I know how to think, but you're welcome to fly out here and see for yourselves.

If this sounded testy forgive me. It's the cold typing.

weeded

2011-10-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

As you are aware (if you read Weird for Jesus) I had a rough but revelatory weekend. Last night, after cooking the house meal (Poppyseed Chicken! What up Nashville!) with my housemate Christina, I found myself admitting to my roommates that there are not enough journals/blogs or time to write down all of the things God is constantly revealing to me about Himself and me. I said that right after Christina said God told her, "Beauty doesn't have to be afraid of beauty." Wow, that's good, ladies. That's really good.

And it's simple. God is really simple most of the time.

On Monday night I went to my weekly Single Life Workshop meeting where we're learning how to do relationships well. Christina and I think all of the Bethel School first years should take this class. It teaches you how to be emotionally intimate with people and allow God to do the protecting. Christians can't make a true impact on others if they're too busy protecting themselves from getting too close to people. The organizers of the meetings always talk for about an hour about whatever the subject may be. Lori told us about a friend of hers who lives in Southern California or SoCal as they all are determined to call it. This friend walked into a pizzeria one day with her husband and saw a green haze floating over the room. She asked her husband what it could be, but he didn't see it. She heard God tell her it was confusion. A few minutes later the cook yelled from the kitchen with intensity, "I'm so confused!"

Move your skepticism to the side for a moment. Have you ever had a thought that didn't sound like you? Or do you have thoughts that sound like you but you know they're irrational or at least the feeling behind those thoughts are incredibly intense for the situation? You don't have to believe in the spirit world for it to believe in you. I can't see it, but I can feel it. It's there. And it's impacting your atmosphere.

They gave us a few examples of how darkness works in our lives and then they taught us the 1-2-3 Skidoo. You can call it whatever you want, but it works and it's empowering! I've called out my demons in variations of the 1-2-3 Skidoo, but I'll tell you about this one for you to try.

First, I want to tell you about my roommate Mischa's friend. One time he was wiring in his office and could feel the tormenting thoughts come over him. He walked over to the door, opened it, and yelled, "All right! Everybody out!" He was talking to his demons. Sometimes you just need to tell them to leave. The authority is in Jesus. Jesus is in the believer. The believer now has authority over evil.

The leaders called three different people up on stage to work through the 1-2-3 Skidoo, and saw their countenance change every time. Then they had us do it to everyone in our group. I was feeling really good about this exercise mainly because my problems were that huge. Ha! but that's what I really thought. I had worked through so much over the weekend, that I thought I could coast through this one. I had been irritable and argumentative that day, so I was going to go with those.

We started with one of the members in our group.

So-and-so, What is coming against you? Depression

What is it trying to do or make you feel? I don't want to hang out with my friends or get out of bed.

Say aloud, "I nail Depression to the cross."

"I break off all agreements I've made with Depression known or unknown and I repent of joining with Depression."

"I ask you, Father, to send Depression away from me!"

Ask the Lord to show you what He wants to give you in place of what He sent away. Joy!

It's so simple! And it works!

We made it around to four of the six people. On the fourth person I realized we would't have enough time for me or another girl. I felt peaceful about that because my irritability wasn't too bad. We saw incredible healing for the last girl, and I was so excited for her. But as we finished and dismissed, I felt a sudden urge to be mad. Hey! I need prayer, too! I felt left out. I was sad. One of the leaders of my group looked at me and asked, "Fawn, are you all right?" I told him I was good. He accepted it because he probably assumed I wouldn't lie, but I was lying. I knew it was irrational, and I didn't want him to know I was having an irrational feeling.

As I drove my roommates home I refused to talk. Mischa and Jaimee attempted a conversation with me, but I requested they give me a few minutes to process my thoughts. I apologized for being rude, but I needed to wrap my mind around this irrational feeling.

It came me. God told me.

Peacestealer.

Remember? I had an incredible amount of peace from the weekend. It was so good. So relaxing. And then Monday begins and I'm irritable and argumentative for no reason. And again, this night I was feeling rejected and left out. Irrational! Something is afraid of me carrying peace. It wants to steal my peace, and I was letting it!

I got on Facebook immediately and messaged all of the people who were in my group that night. I told them everything that had happened and walked myself through the 1-2-3 Skidoo knowing they would enforce it with prayer from wherever they were. And they wrote back with so much support!

Now, I've had to continue to do it. They don't always leave for good. They hope we'll give up, but we can't. It's our identity that's at stake. People take possession of their demons. "I'm depressed." "I'm stupid." No, you are not! God does not make trash! But the lies want us to believe we're not capable of anything good because then we'll actually do something good!

Just to make this post a little longer...

Yesterday, I started my writing class at Bethel. We get to choose a different class every five weeks. Some choose prayer, others choose art. There are so many options. I chose writing.

I walked into the class and sat on the front row. Oh yeah! I'm taking this seriously. The teachers asked us to write a poem. The anxiety rose inside of me. I didn't sign up to write poetry! It was obvious half the room was feeling the same way by the questions being asked. Many of us had no idea how to write a poem. I raised my hand and requested the teacher with a Master's in Poetry to pray over us and rebuke the anxiety in the room. She did and it was like an angel prayed over us. Anyone who writes and reads poetry is going to be good at the praying.

Her advice in writing poetry was to write everything you're feeling, go back and circle the verbs and nouns, and then simplify your writing by using those verbs and nouns. I felt fine once she said don't worry about iambic pentameter. I knew there were rules about all of that stuff, but I couldn't remember them.

I wrote about gardening like from my post Chors D'oeuvre. We were also prompted to draw a picture of before and after on either side of the poem. We were hurried to finish up, so my final product wasn't my best, but I attempted it! When I heard the poems of my classmates I decided I wouldn't be sharing my work. They all did a really good job. I was super impressed with how the Holy Spirit worked through them...and not so much through me. When I got home I showed my housemates because I knew they would be proud like a mother would be of a finger painting.

And, once again, in an effort to stay transparent I will share mine with you. I strategically waited till the end to share this because only true lovers of my work will have made it this far down the post :)

Weeded
Neglected flower. Take notice!
Dry soil. Roots are craving.
Remove these weighty rocks.
Weeds intertwine with roots.
Tenderly pull and roots stretch.
Burdens removed!
I can breathe!
I feel the sun! (I was tempted to write SON in honor of my former boss, Jonathan)

teen talk with jeanie

2011-10-03T00:33:00.000-07:00

Last November my former co-worker and good friend, Katie, and I decided to make a video for the youth group. We got our other co-workers Judy and Amy involved.

This is the result...

Teen Talk with Jeanie-Nov. 2010 from Fawn Bauer on Vimeo.

And this next one became our follow up video.

weird for jesus

2011-10-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

Right before I left for California, my good friend and a wonderful mom to some of my youth girls, Beth, warned me not to get weird in California. Yes, to all of you Californians who think it's so funny making fun of my southern accent, I have to inform you that all Tennesseans think Californians are granola eating weirdos, but we love you anyways. I hope you love us despite the way we talk. I think we're both endearing.

The warning is: Don't go weird.

Beth, I've gone weird. BIG time.

I knew it would happen. I hoped it would, but not in the way Beth was warning me.

I've gone weird for Jesus. This weird may have been what everyone was worried about back home, but I have always been honest before and currently.

I am weird for Jesus.

Let me explain.

Thursday, I met with two girls from my Revival Group (made up of 65+ people) and drove to Chico, CA. Right before I left my house I threw up my entire breakfast and lunch. I jokingly thought, "It's a good thing I'm not having sex or I would think I was pregnant." I knew the throwing up meant something, but I didn't want to think about it. My body has a tendency to know when I'm stressed out before my head figures it out.

We arrived at the retreat center an hour before dinner and everyone had already begun making friends. Cliques formed. I felt alone. Everyone was friendly, but it was like being in a crowd and not feeling safe. I heard the thoughts, "They don't want to be friends with you. They already have their friends for the year."

I went to dinner and had a great time talking with people. The girl whom I had met at the party where I was accused of being old was there. She gave me a huge hug as she yelled my name. I was shocked. She liked me. She "really liked me!" She invited me to sit with her in worship for that night, and I happily agreed. I like friends.

(Please know that the whole group is very friendly. I was just fighting my demons at this point.)

As we walked up to the worship hall I noticed it. Oh, the thing I have avoided. They call them "fire tunnels" here. I call them the human gauntlet of prayer where girls touch you on the upper chest and guys yell fire and accidentally spit a little as they say it. The F in "Fire" is very abrasive and salivary. I know many Christians and especially non-Christians have not experienced these "Fire Tunnels," so let me give you a better description.

Christian men and women of all ages form two parallel lines. Then, a group of "receivers" line up at the start of the "tunnel." One by one the "receiver" walks the gauntlet and receives prayers from the individuals in the parallel lines. Some "receivers" close their eyes and allow those who are praying to guide them by holding their hands or arms. The trouble with this is a lot of the guys forget and let you run into the person in front of you. If you keep your eyes open you have to look your pray-ers in the face which is sometimes awkward and takes you out of the "experience." After questioning a few of my friends I have decided it is best to close your eyes and sneak a peek occasionally to see how much space you have in front of you.

I saw the line. I hated the line. I didn't want to go through the human gauntlet of prayer. It's weird! Strangers touching you! Some yelling in your ear. Some whispering how much God loves you. I wasn't ready to be weird!

I walked through the gauntlet with my eyes open, awkwardly laughing at everyone. It's okay because they think you have "Holy laughter." Sometimes I think people with Tourette's would feel so comfortable at Bethel church. They could twitch and yell all they want and no one would care, and if they yelled out cuss words, everyone would assume it was a dark spirit and pray a healing right into their lives! Win/win!

I made it through the gauntlet and sat with my new and unexpected friend, but I was feeling it. That uneasiness. That thing that says, "What am I doing here?" Some might call that discerning, but I know what it is. I had it at home at BHCC. When I worshipped at home it was performance driven quite often. If I felt like raising my hands and closing eyes at BHCC I wouldn't. Not because anyone's ever told me I couldn't but because no one's ever told me I could. One time my good friend Rosa's husband announced to BHCC that God had healed his cancer. The build up in the story was amazing and I think everyone could feel the anticipation of the final announcement: God had wiped away his cancer! I was ready to clap and cheer! but then I chickened out. There was maybe 800 people in the room and no one cheered when they heard this man say he had cancer one day and it was gone the next. Our preacher got up on stage and I could tell he wanted to tell us to cheer like we would at a football game, but he couldn't. He celebrated in our place on the stage. My heart felt so heavy after that. Why didn't I cheer? I didn't have permission. I didn't want to offend. I'm performance and acceptance driven.

For the same reason I couldn't worship my first night on the retreat. They all wanted me to worship like them. Raise my hands, dance, shout, and feel free, but I didn't want to. I wanted permission to be myself, to worship my God the way I felt called to worship in that moment. But I thought I could feel them all watching and waiting for me to "express" myself through worship.

At the end of the sermon (by my awesome Revival Group Pastor Carl) they announced that the 2nd year students were forming another but longer fire tunnel for all the 1st years to walk through.

Oh, crap.

Could I get out of the building without anyone noticing?

All eyes were on me I thought, so I found my moment and got out of there fast. Crying, I ran to my room and hid for the rest of the night. I asked God what was wrong with me. I asked for help. I hoped someone was praying for me at that moment. If I had had a car, I might have gone home. I was in physical pain. Excruciating pain. I had no roommate to catch me hiding. My phone wasn't working. I wondered if I would be able to leave my room the next day.

I woke up the next morning feeling better but anxiety was lurking somewhere inside of me. I got dressed and went downstairs only to buy a bottle of water. I was thirsty.

I bought my water and saw my friend Ellen sitting off to the side reading a book. Ellen, along with many others, did not grow up in this Bethel world and I have found her friendship to be such a comfort. I sat by her and she told me she had looked for me after worship the night before. I told I had run away. She figured as much. She then gave me insight into how performance driven we both are.

You see, it's not BHCC or Bethel that's the problem. Neither church has put any pressure on me to be anything other than who I am. Both churches love me. Both want me to have a relationship with Jesus. The freedom and permission has already been bought and given to me by Christ. All I have to do is take it.

Throughout the day God sent several people in my life who confirmed that God encounters everyone differently. Kris Vallotton at Bethel is very well-known for never manifesting (for you CofCers, manifesting refers to the physical effects of the Holy Spirit i.e., laughing, shaking, "getting drunk" in the Spirit). I knew that lots of wonderful Christians went without these things, but I couldn't help feel like I was lacking. I think that's one reason why we CofCers get so uncomfortable. Why don't we do those things? They must be crazy. If we love God why don't we experience God like those crazy snake handlers? BTW, they have yet to bring out the snakes, so I think we're in the clear on that one. I may get in trouble on this one with the Church of Christers, but I think some of you do experience God in those ways, but you don't have the permission to show it. It might offend someone. And I think a lot of you don't experience God that way. I haven't. Not in the "crazy" ways, at least.

Once I gave myself permission to just be me with God I felt good. I felt peace. I met my small group of five women and told them about my trouble the night before and they said, "We're gonna stick together for worship tonight." One of the girls, Georgia from Australia, told me that the extended season of winter in my life is over. That God has declared it is over! And that the birds are on the trees and the sun is shining! She made me say it and I felt it was true (She told me all of these things before she ever knew I was struggling). I cried and cried and cried. Then one of the 18 year old British girls saw me and made a very sad face. She had no idea what had occurred with Georgia, but she took one look at my puffy eyes and asked in her great accent, "Ya ok?" I then asked, "Why? Am I looking rough?" "Yeah, ya look rally ti'ed?"

I was exhausted! I hadn't been physically pregnant the day before when I vomited, but I was spiritually pregnant. It was a painful birthing process, but something new had come forth and I was ready to embrace it as my own.

That night I walked up to the worship building once again. All of my friends knew to look out for me. My small group saved me a seat. I walked through that human gauntlet just smiling, thinking in a sing-sing voice, "I don't have to manifest if God doesn't want me to!" During worship Georgia did try to get me to dance. I did a little, but I didn't feel I had to! I raised my hands in worship, and I put them down by my side. I closed my eyes, and I opened them. "I do wut I wont!" I thought in my southern accent. I was free; fully permitted to be myself in Christ.

Then, Crystal Stiles spoke to our group. Wow! She spoke right to my heart. She said so many things but what stood out to me the most was the permission she gave us to be ourselves. I mean, is God confirming or what? If God gives you peace then enjoy it! And share it! Now, this is another thing that will send my CofCer brothers and sisters into questioning mode. I understand, just hear me out. When Jesus felt the power leave his body when the woman with the bleeding problems touched his cloak, a transfer of power happened. And we are supposed to do greater works than Jesus, right? So, they believe here that when you lay hands on people that a transfer of healing and whatnot happens. Ok? Don't run away just yet! Hear what happened to me next before you decide how weird I've gotten.

Cuz I got real weird.

As Crystal was talking my neck muscles became really relaxed, to the point that my head kept falling back. I asked myself, "Am I tired?" Yes, I was tired. I asked myself, "Am I sleepy tired? Am I falling asleep?" No, I was not sleepy tired. When I closed my eyes I was fully able to remain focused on the teaching. I was just fully in peace. I closed my eyes and saw myself as a child crawling in the Father's lap (that's Father God). From past posts you know I struggle with seeing God as a father. I don't really remember or know what a father is supposed to act like, so if I see God as my father then He should ignore me most of the time and occasionally check in on me via email. But that's not how God works! God knows how to love us. God loves you! He wants us to be in relationship with Him! So, I crawled into His lap in my mind, and the peace increased. I could't control my neck spasming. I could feel my double-chin was happening and joked with God that He would make me have a double-chin when I encounter His peace. Then, I remembered I was supposed to share my peace with others.

How do you share peace?

Well, I guess I could just touch the people next to me.

I placed my left hand on Ellen and my right hand on Mika.

Later, Ellen said when I placed my hand on her a calming presence came over her. Mika said her head became extremely relaxed when I held her hand. She said it felt like she was a newborn baby without any neck muscles. I screamed, "You're kidding? That's what it feels like to me, too!" So I grabbed her hand again and her head flopped around. It was so cool! I praised God!

I've never done drugs before. Others may refer to their manifesting as getting drunk, but I think mine may be more like getting high. I mean, I've never felt so relaxed in my whole life. I was slow talking, laid back, everything's copacetic relaxed. I walked up to people who didn't know what I was feeling and they felt peace, too!

How many times have I been told I carry a peaceful presence? A million. Which is really funny and ironic because my number one reprimand from my mother was, "Be a peacemaker!" when I was a child. Guess what, mom? This is all your fault. It's not exactly what you had in mind, but you spoke it into my life, and now, I'm weird for Jesus.

five day forced car fast

2011-09-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

As you may have sensed I was having a rough week last week. I was irritable in worship one day, but I found some peace when one of our teachers, Dan, spoke about his experience with the Holy Spirit. He went years without understanding why people were manifesting, struggled with judging them, and wondered if he lacked in something. Eventually, he did experience Holy Spirit in a physical way, and his sense of humor in explaining the experience was exactly what I needed to hear. These things are weird and come about in very unique ways with each individual. The point is don't put God in the proverbial box. If He comes to you in peace. Awesome! If He throws you on the ground. Embrace it! If He brings you to tears, don't wipe them away. If He gives you the giggles, giggle. Find that freedom and don't lose it and don't take it away from anyone else because you don't understand it. It's not yours to work through or understand. Yeah, I know. You may disagree. It's fine. I'm open to being wrong. I'm open to you being wrong as well :).

So, my week was rough and great leading up to Thursday, my last day of school in the week. I was driving two of my roommates to school when my car started to chug. I thought the transmission was acting up when it just died on the road. I motioned for people to go around me as I prayed in my head, "Car, please work." No one went around me because I was afraid to roll my window down, so they could see my my hand. You see, my window doesn't always roll back up. It's just one of those cute things that it does. I turned the key and it started. I drove up the hill with a rising fear. What's happening? As I turned into my designated parking lot my wheel locked up and the car died again, this time leaving us in the middle of the street mid-turn. Oh no. No. No. No. Turn the key. Nothing. It reminded me of the lawnmower. Pray. Turn again. The engine turned over and we chugged into a parking spot. I didn't have time to think about it as we entered the Bethel Church building for class. We swiped our cards into the computer system for attendance, and I didn't think about the car the rest of the day.

I went to my first TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) class and learned a bit of Russian, too. I met one of the girls I was originally going to live with, Miranda for Switzerland. I offered her a ride home hoping she could help me push my car, if need be. We got to the bottom of the hill when it died again. I took her to my house and had my roommate Jaimee take us to Miranda's place.

Friday, I called a mechanic that goes to Bethel, but he didn't answer. I went 4 1/2 days without my car working, asking for strangers (Bethel strangers) to give me rides to church services. I stayed home on Saturday. I had friends come pick me up to go hiking. I was completely dependent on other people to be nice to me, and it was hard. That dependence wrapped up in a metal box on wheels is very powerful. I longed to have my car and feared how much it would cost to fix it. During this time of forced fasting from my beloved, tan toyota camry I learned more about this god I had made out of my car.

I've worried about the cost of gas, the cost of upkeep, and the cost of insurance. When people have asked for rides, numbers have crossed in front of my vision. I have been lazy with my service to drive others to their desired destination. I've been fearful to let anyone drive my vehicle. I have hoarded this gift from God, and I have been deeply convicted of this.

Yesterday, I gave good ole State Farm a call and asked how my car insurance works. Basically, insurance follows the car not the person. This gives me a little more freedom to let Mischa from Michigan drive my car on occasion, but I'm also coming to a place where I'm more willing to give rides as well.

Today, the mechanic looked at my car. He couldn't help me, but he called one of his colleagues, and that mechanic was able to fix the simple problem and only charge me $45! Woohoo! A cheap lesson, indeed!

In an effort to honor the gift of the car I have decided to give her a name. She will now be referred to as Truvy, as in Truvy from Steel Magnolias played by Dolly Parton. Why? I don't know. It just feels right. Both Truvys are a little banged up and hurting, but they both have a "get up and go" kind of spirit. And both have less miles on them than you would think.

I know! Naming your car almost seems more godlike than before, but there's a method to my madness. I just don't feel like explaining right now :)

willing to be wounded

2011-09-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

In the Single Life Workshop we've been encouraged twice now to open our hearts up to being wounded. Why? Because the willing to be wounded heart is the heart that is able to love.

What does this look like?

Well, I know what it doesn't look like. My heart remembers the wounds of the past. The father that just wasn't quite sure how to love me. The countless boys that I liked and didn't like me back. The ones that liked me but disappointed me. It all adds arrows to the heart. And how do I respond? I build a wall around my heart with windows; broken, shattered windows. The windows allow you to see in but if you try to come through them you might get cut by my biting humor. My humor defends and protects my heart and at the same time hurts others.

One of the guys in my group brought the issue of humor up tonight. Has humor become our god in American culture? We cut each other to pieces all in the name of a laugh. "Oh, I was just joking." How can we provide a safe place for people to share themselves with us if they're not sure when we'll use them as the butt of our jokes?

I consider myself to be freakin' hilarious, but at what cost am I willing to pay?

Transparency is intimacy. As we share with each other during these Single Life meetings, we learn to be emotionally intimate with all people. That intimacy is what Christ walked in everyday of his life. He placed himself in constant situations where he would be loved or rejected.

Humor keeps us from being rejected, but the woundable heart loves in abundance.

We were asked to write letters to ourselves tonight. Letters from God to us. I'm getting used to doing stuff like this.

Half way through writing the letter I thought, "Oh crap. They're gonna tell us we have to share with the group. Tricky, tricky."

Indeed they did.

I turned to my group, rolled my eyes, and said, "I don't want to do this."

But I remembered this is emotional intimacy in practice and will make me a better human being, a better Christian, a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife, and a better momma.

I listened to one person read. We prayed for her. Then, I sucked it up and read through mine. I made it one sentence in before I started to tear up.

In an effort to continue this "willing to be wounded" heart, I choose to share my letter with you.

Be gentle with it.

(from God)Dear Fawn,

From the day I created you to be, I have been so very proud of you. I placed my best in you. I put hidden humor all throughout you. I placed gentleness and beauty and interwove them inside you. I gave you intelligence and an extra sense to knows things about others. I made you female because you could bring strength to the gender and mother children with the nurture sprinkled all inside you. And then I placed you in your mother's womb. I knew it would be a difficult childhood, and if I were a controlling god, I would have made your father know how to love you, but I am not controlling. I will your father to choose me as I willed you to choose me. But I knew your mama would tell you about me and keep my precious daughter safe. It has grieved me to see you in pain and rejected by the men that I created, but I never rejected you, and I have created a special man who has chosen me and I will introduce you to him when the time is right. Don't roll your eyes! I promise you won't be 80 years old. As I patiently have waited for you to draw close to me, so you will have to wait patiently and let me do all my works through you. Know that I never forget you! I always love you! I am constantly guiding you! I am so proud of you!

Love,
God

I have to say, after reading this to the group and once again to you, I feel really good. It's scary to open your heart to the arrows because I know I'm putting myself in a position to be scoffed. By moving to Redding and going to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry I put myself in a place of rejection. People are unknowingly cursing me as they speak about me behind my back, but my Savior is bigger than that and he protects me and loves me through it. I'm so very happy to be loved by those of you who don't really understand why I'm here or what I'm learning. Your love is so powerful to me.

Today, I wore my sweatshirt that my boss from BHCC gave me. It says, "Property of BHCC." I love it because I do belong to that church. They are my family and my support even if I'm worshipping with instruments, raising my hands, manifesting in the Spirit, or believing that Spiritual gifts do still exist. Some will think I'm crazy, but God overwhelms me with peace on a daily basis, and I love you all back home in Nashvegas and beyond.

In case you're reading with me in the Bible we've finished Luke. Sorry, I didn't keep you up with that. Today, we're reading all of Galatians in one sitting.

if you like foster the people and love God then you'll want to hear hunter thompson

2011-09-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

God shows up in every possible situation. If you're wasted and asleep in the streets God is with you. If you're on top of a mountain God is with you. So when I tell you about this worship experience with Hunter Thompson please don't think this is the only way God can come to people. All I'm saying is this guy reaches a particular type of audience, and I am a part of it. I've heard him lead worship twice in Redding, CA, and I have been moved to tears and dancing both times. I've been moved to tears and dancing singing acapella back home in Nashville at my Church of Christ church, as well.

But I want to honor what God's doing through this man in worship.

So, if you're into Foster the People, then I think you'll like this next song.

And my roommate tells me Hunter Thompson wrote this next song. It's incredible if you can get past the amateur filming.

hidden talent

2011-09-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

A few months ago my friend Randi invited me to hang out with her cool outdoorsy friends. They're all a part of the Wilderness Trek community where they take groups of teens backpacking for a week to grow in relationship with Christ. I say these people are cool because they love teens, love God, and love the outdoors...my kind of people. Or at least I always wanted them to be my kind of people, but I only did Trek once and never worked for the organization. When Randi invited me to got to Mafioza's in Nashville for dinner with them, I was really excited. I didn't bother containing my joy. There was no time to be cool. I was hanging out with the Trek people!

I was seated at the far end of the table away from Randi on the outside porch. The couple across from me were people I had known for a while. I had met Sarah when she was in middle school (I was in college) and her husband and I had forgotten each other's names enough times to have our own cute little inside joke. "Hey, yoouuuuu." "Oh! Hey youuuuuu!"

To my left was the coolest girl, Mary Ann, who worked for Trek for a long time. To my right sat a guy I had known about for a long time. His name was Mark, and I remember seeing him as a middle schooler at our church camp. He was the cutest rollie pollie of a boy. Everyone loved Mark.

Mark had recently graduated from college after traveling for his University and filming all of the study abroad programs that they provide. As I listened to him talk about his passion in film I became very excited for him. He's been to many places in the world to film. He is co-starting a filming company. He enjoys his life and embraces his talent. How incredible!

So many of us haven't gone after our passions because we were afraid. We didn't have family support. We didn't have the money. We heard the lies of our enemy saying we weren't talented enough. Not Mark. He's going after his life! I'm so excited to see where God leads him.

Here's one of the music videos he and his partners worked on. Guess what! It's conveniently one of my favorite bands, The Civil Wars!

My Father's Father from 1504 Pictures on Vimeo.

old lady

2011-09-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

Compliments of Aging Photobooth

Tonight, my eighteen year old roommates Jaimee and Marly invited Mischa, Melodie from France, and me to go to our neighbors' house to watch a movie. I was hesitant to go. Did I really want to hang out with a bunch of 18 year old guys? Nope.

Jaimee and Marly promised me older guys lived there, so I was open to going. At least I could walk home if I needed to. It's not that I was hoping to make-out with someone. Haha! I was just hoping to have a conversation where, in fact, the conversation wasn't flirtatious or centered around the same joke told over and over again.

We walked into the house to see a bunch of girls and guys coupled up on the sectional couch. I put on a smile so the girls knew we weren't a threat. I waved to everyone and said my name a handful of times.

"Hi! Where ya from?"

They were all very nice, but I could tell not one of them was older than 23. It's pretty easy to tell because their social skills are different from adults. They talk over you or wait for you to lead the conversation. They give weak handshakes or they just don't plain care at all. All of these people were nice, but I felt out of place.

I recognized one girl from my Revival Group. "Hey! Are we in the same Revival Group? Carl's?"

"Ummmm...I don't know. I thought I knew everyone in Carl's group."

"Well, hi! I'm Fawn. I'm in your group." In my head I wanted to walk right out of the room. Just smile and say hi to me.

I stood awkwardly with Mischa overlooking the sectional couch. They watched us. I waited for someone to tell me to have a seat. I finally sat down and forced conversation. They were sweet enough to reciprocate. Where are you from and all that kind of talk.

I asked, "So what's the age range in this house?" I knew nine guys were living there and remembered the promise of older men.

"18 to 29."

I said, "Oh, that's eclectic."

One kid sitting on the floor grumbled, "Eclectic. That's a big word." I admitted that it probably wasn't the best use of the word in that sentence.

He said, "I hate big words."

Ok then! Moving onto someone else. I turned to the girl next to me. She asked, "How old are you?"

Before I had time to answer they guessed 22, 25, 21!

I told them I liked all of those answers but admitted to being 28 and you've never seen such large eyes pop out of such small heads.

"No way you're that old!"

"28's so old!"

"She's even older than Neal!"

"If it means anything, you don't look that old."

"Yeah, you don't dress old."

I turned to Mischa who was forgetting to breathe she was laughing so hard. Under my breadth I mumbled, "Should we leave now?"

I laughed at their stupidity and announced, "I'm not old. I guess by comparison I am, but 28 is not old."

I should have rebuked them in the name of Christ!

Never once did any of them think that they might be insulting me.

Gotta love teenagers. I like them when you meet them at a young age, form relationships, go through the awkward 9th and 10th grade years, and then become best friends with them in 11th and 12th grade. I do not, however, enjoy 18 yr olds telling me I'm old.

Then, they chose to watch Nacho Libre. "I'm out of here," I thought to myself. I looked at Mischa and mouthed ten minutes. I didn't want any of them to think I was really mad about the age thing. I just realized that this wasn't my scene.

As we got up to leave the group turned and said, "Oh, are you leaving?"

I looked back at them as I opened the door and said, "Yeah, just remembered I need to cash my social security check."

Crickets.

spirit of annoyance

2011-09-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning was a beautiful time of worshipping God and getting a great word from Bill Johnson. In basic form he said, "Diversify your prayer investments," and you'll "live a happy life," and quoted Proverbs 13:12- Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

He encouraged us to pray little easy petitions, medium requests, big, somewhat impossible ideas, and then just huge no way ever could this happen prayers.

Bill Johnson said, "Get your joy from answers to prayer not the discipline of prayer." To that the audience collectively oohed and ahhhhed. I love the interaction between audience and preacher/pastor. Dave Clayton at Ethos has the same relationship with the people he talks to.

Mark 10:35-James and John make a really stupid request in this verse, but they felt comfortable enough to ask. Jesus had the veto power, but hey! at least they're asking.

Bill again, "If the answer you're looking for is heavily weighted then you must have the character that's strong enough to hold it."

And Bill paraphrased, so I may have gotten it wrong: Know His nature and delight in it and then you'll see the way He acts. Don't judge God on His acts because when He doesn't do what you want you'll question who He is. Revelation of His nature is an invitation to an encounter.

So, I petitioned.

I wrote praises of thanks on one page of my journal (thank you Liz K and Taylor for my journal) and I wrote down my petitions on the other page with enough space to write how God answers them.

I diversified my prayers. Small, medium, BIG!

Within 2 days God's answered 5 of the 22 requests. Not all in the affirmative, but hey, I clearly see how he responds. I'm learning how he answers!

Yesterday, my revival group (about 60 students, 4 interns, and our Pastor/Deacon for my CoCers) went to Whiskeytown Lake for a cookout. We had a great time hanging out! I met so many recent high school graduates I began to wonder if I had missed a couple of boats in life.

I left early to go to the Single Life Worshop. The fact that I'm willing to even talk about going to something like this is HUGE for me. I've spent so many years pretending like I didn't care about being married or having kids. I think I was scared women would respect me less and men might think I was desperate if I even showed a slight interest in being married. That is stupid talk! I do want to get married and have kids! I'm not willing to just take any ol' offer, but I am excited to spend my life with someone. I'm 28 years old. It's not like I'm too young to be thinking about that kind of stuff.

But the Single Life Workshop is technically not a dating class. It's a large group broken into lots of small groups environment where people learn to be intimate emotionally with each other. If a girl has trouble even being friends with a boy then this is a good place to go. Being friends with guys isn't really my issue. It's only wanting to be friends with them that's mine.

I walked to my group and was welcomed by the friendliest faced guy I've ever seen. He exuded welcomeness. He would be one of our leaders. Then, a beautiful girl bounded next to me and gave me a hug that felt like it would never end. She really acted like she loved me. I think she really does :) I found out she lived in Franklin, TN for 3 years before she came to Redding! Woohoo! A fellow Nashvillian! These two people set the stage for a wonderful, loving group of people to come together and share their lives with each other. I am so very excited about this group!

I began this morning happy. My housemates and I danced around the house to The Avett Brothers and Foster the People on my iTunes. I was so happy. I went to school smiling and ready to learn. I don't know quite what happened next.

Here is what I wrote in my journal during worship:

Something is on me. I'm not sure what or how. I came to BSSM this morning in a really good mood. I'm not hormonally susceptible right now. Crystal _____ talked about the prayer rooms and although I have some anxiety about them I'm still open. A woman called out the fear in the room and asked for peace to blanket the room. (Reader, to explain a bit. The school speaks against all evil in the spirit realm.) I fully welcomed what she was saying. Then, we began to worship God. A girl came up next to me to stand on the side and dance. As her arms flew about I felt my hair getting caught in the wind that they were creating. I found the intrusion to my personal space annoying. I couldn't decide if she was the one lacking in our "culture of honor" or if it was I. Why am I looking for someone to be wrong here? So, I scooted over, but her movement is still annoying me. I can't sing, so I write. I can barely write! God, help me let go.

...I've tried. I praised God. Thanked him for this annoying girl dancing in my space. They're all driving me nuts! I've tried to speak this away. They all get more annoying. Their clapping hands in unison bangs away at my brain! It doesn't hurt. Its annoying. The woman who spoke for peace was correct-It's no fun to be at a party where everyone else is having fun except you. I'll add it's no fun to be the only sober one at a party full of drunk people (Reader: they like to refer to getting lost in the Spirit as drunk because in Acts the people thought the Christians were all drunk. Honestly, that's what it looks like). I've even tried to faith it (fake is replaced with faith). I stood up, clapped, swayed, half-smiled...Ahhhh! I have been so thoroughly enjoying the other worships. What's happening now?

...That was the weirdest thing. My housemate Ester from Norway asked if I was okay and I said I didn't know. The woman announcer again spoke about being free. Then, they began to worship again, and I thought, "Why? Again?" They sang the same song and I thought, "I do like this song," so I stood to "faith " it again. I didn't want people to know how much I was hating this moment with them. Then, I felt a hand on my back that I assumed was Ester's. My eyes welled with tears. Oh no! I don't have anything to break off! I am fine! Tears get back where you came from! The hand remained on me and moved me to weep, shake, and snot all over myself. I don't know what it was, but I was ready to be done with it and no longer having it resting my soul or be a part of my personality or wherever it was hiding.

That was the end of my journaling. While Bill Johnson taught our next class I think I heard only a few sentences. I was in recovery after all that mess that I still don't understand. I did hear that God speaks to us all in different ways. Some are dramatic and small whispers and it's our job to ask questions and see responses. I needed to go to the bathroom badly while he was talking, so I thought running right outside our door to the nearest bathroom as soon as we had a break. But God gave me a quick picture of going to the bathroom farthest away and upstairs. I decided to go with it.

On my journey to the toilet I saw my Revival Group Pastor Carl ahead of me. Normally, I would let him keep going without interrupting him, but I thought, "What if this is the reason God wanted me to go this way?" I yelled his name and he greeted me with a hug. We had a great conversation and in the middle of it I remembered one of my prayer requests being that I have one meaningful conversation with Carl this week! Bing! There's one of my answers! I actually had many encounters with people on my journey to the upstairs bathroom. I met up with Melody who I was originally going to live with. This was our first meeting face to face ever!

I ended the day really well by listening to God. So glad he redeems even the worst of days.

Daily Reading is up to Luke 16 by tomorrow!

Thanks again for reading! I didn't proof read today, so please forgive me.

chors d'oeuvre

2011-09-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia the french word hors d'oeuvre is literally translated "apart from the main work." You may know it as a starter, appetizer, or think it's spelled orederves.

Chors d'oeuvre is my clever way of telling you about my assigned weekly chore and how God has used this small work to improve upon me for His "main work."

Last Saturday we gathered as a household to discuss the assigned chores. Melodie (from Oregon and runs the house) handed out pieces of paper with all the chore options. She wanted us to choose our top chores we would most likely want to have. Then, she wrote numbers on slips of paper for us to draw out of a bag. We would choose our chore in that order.

Option 1-Trash & Laundry Room
Option 2-Master Bathroom
Option 3-Hall Bathroom
Option 4-Shopping for supplies
Option 5-Living Room
Option 6-Kitchen Cleaning
Option 7-Gardener
Option 8-Rotate between helping with Kitchen and Garden
Option 9-Tile Floors
Option 10-Bake Household Bread

What to choose? What to choose?

I wanted the bathrooms because I cleaned as my first job, but the girls who have lived here for a couple of years had already chosen them. Melodie (from Oregon) had taken shopping. I didn't want that one anyways. I'll take Trash/Laundry Room or Gardening.

Numbers were handed out. From the seven numbers I got number 7. I dramatically announced to my housemates, "Let Providence choose my fate!" You see, Reader, I had been fully immersed in reading Jane Eyre at the time. I intended on saying, "Fate has dealt me a blow," if I didn't get what I wanted.

Each chore was chosen one by one. I lost the laundry and trash near the beginning. Come on gardening! I should have known I would get it. What girl wants to mow the lawn in this heat?

I got gardening! Everyone looked at me with a sense of pity. I exclaimed, "That's what I wanted!" I think Melodie was happy that I was happy. No one wants a perturbed girl in charge of sharp blades.

Melodie came to me privately and informed me that the grass on the side of the house had not been cut in a while and that I should try to do it soon or it would be difficult to cut. In my mind I was thinking, "I got this! I mowed our two acres back home. Yeah, it was a riding mower, but how hard could this be?"

The grass was thick and fairly high. I couldn't start the mower, so I got Jaimee to come out and show me what to do. She tried and nothing happened, so she prayed. It started. Then I had her take my photo.

I got about half-way before the grass was too thick and killed the motor. Oh well. I'll just start it up again. Choke. Squeeze. Pull. Nothin'.

Jaimee prayed. I'll pray.

Choke. Squeeze. Pull. Nothin'.

I walked inside and got five foot nothing Jaimee to come try. She prayed. She got it going. I pushed a little.

Dead again.

Humph.

Jaimee was gone, so Mischa from Michigan gave it a go. Nothin'. We moved it to the sidewalk. Choke. Squeeze. Pull. Chunks of grass fell from the blades, but no motor. She tried a couple more times and finally it began to work. I mowed another line. Dead.

OK. So, maybe I need to thin out my lines and not mow so much grass at once. Choke. Squeeze. Pull. Nothin'. "Mischa! I killed it again!"

This time, thin lines. At this point quite a few neighbors had come home from work and were watching me from their yards. The sun was going down fast, and I needed to finish up.

Killed it again. Arghhhhhhh! Stupid lawnmower! Stupid thick grass!

Stop, Fawn. Be thankful. Smile, the neighbors are watching.

A couple with a little dog walked up to me. The woman said, "You win Hardest Worker Award!" I thanked her. She asked if I was a First Year at Bethel while her husband followed their dog around pooping in our yard. The woman was embarrassed, but I told her that's what dogs do.

Her husband then offered to start my mower again. I was embarrassed to need his help, but I was also desperate. He said, "You really don't need to use the choke anymore." Oh yeah! I forgot what a choke thing even did! He started it immediately and they went on their way. I had one more line to do when it died, again.

This time I did not choke. Started right up! Thank you Jesus! Right before my sunlight was completely gone.

The next day I finished the front yard and weed eating. My arms were so tired, but I needed to clear out the flowerbed a little as well. I went down to the corner of our yard and stooped down by a flower.

It was fully dressed in yellow blooms but had dead stuff all around it. I began to pull out the dead but the process was tedious.

I yanked haphazardly and accidentally pulled off a bloom. I immediately felt God say, "When you do something without love, you throw out the good with the bad." I don't know if that means anything to you, but I thought about working with teenagers. Teens, as well as adults, are fragile. We're constantly trying to fix them; make them better. But we do a lot of harm when we scold them but offer no love. When correcting anyone love must be present.

Today I read one of Donald Miller's blogs. His advice to writers was to love the reader.

So, God's working on me right now through gardening. Jutta is a Swiss girl who lived here last year and did the gardening. She told me she used this time to be with God. It's my time to be alone with Him and hear Him.

What did I learn?
Do everything with love...even weeding.

fantastic...fawn?

2011-09-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Bill Johnson did a follow up to the previous day (you know? the one where I had a spiritual breakdown). Once again, I'm just so glad to be at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry! Even they make jokes about being called Hogwarts. I could not function here if everyone was acting like a Disney princess. People like me need a few of those, but not a roomful. Bill reinforced the idea of asking God for big things and receiving an acorn.

Luke 19:11-19

New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Ten Minas

¹¹ While they were listening to this, he went on to tell them a parable, because he was near Jerusalem and the people thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear at once. ¹² He said: “A man of noble birth went to a distant country to have himself appointed king and then to return. ¹³ So he called ten of his servants and gave them ten minas.^[a] ‘Put this money to work,’ he said, ‘until I come back.’

¹⁴ “But his subjects hated him and sent a delegation after him to say, ‘We don’t want this man to be our king.’

¹⁵ “He was made king, however, and returned home. Then he sent for the servants to whom he had given the money, in order to find out what they had gained with it.

¹⁶ “The first one came and said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned ten more.’

¹⁷ “‘Well done, my good servant!’ his master replied. ‘Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.’

¹⁸ “The second came and said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned five more.’

¹⁹ “His master answered, ‘You take charge of five cities.’

There is more to the story, but I don't want to lose you. So, all of these people are thinking Jesus is about to raise up an army against Rome. That's what they think the Kingdom will look like, and they are hopeful for it to come SOON! So, he tells this story about the money. My bible says a minas is worth 3 months' wage.

Bill had to point this next point out to me because I've heard this story or some variation of it so many times that I think I have it all worked out. "The promotion in this parable is illogical. A servant takes $1000, respectively, and is now promoted to rule 10 cities." In no way has a servant the education or experience to rule 10 cities.

The disciples following Jesus "were looking for a moment instead of a process." "Every moment has a lifetime of possibilities."

²⁰ “Then another servant came and said, ‘Sir, here is your mina; I have kept it laid away in a piece of cloth. ²¹ I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in and reap what you did not sow.’

²² “His master replied, ‘I will judge you by your own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow? ²³ Why then didn’t you put my money on deposit, so that when I came back, I could have collected it with interest?’

²⁴ “Then he said to those standing by, ‘Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minds.’

Don't discount the acorn. It becomes an oak tree. "A delayed answer is gaining interest." We're given something small like a seed inside of us. If we nurture it and do much with it, then we are given more. But God isn't in the business of overwhelming us. "Kingdom values process as much as outcome."

So I can breathe again, I suppose. That's good. I don't have to writhe on the floor to know God. That's also good.

After class it was time to meet my Revival Group Pastor and the people in my group. I was slightly nervous to walk into a room full of strangers, but I was greeted by Danielle, one of our interns, sort of. She was the group's intern last year. Anyways, as I was talking to Danielle a cute boy walked up and read my name tag. He thought it was so cool. I thanked him. It's very nice when people get excited even over a name. This is a good sign, I think. (Don't get excited about the cute boy. I'm ten years older.)

I walked into the room and saw people sitting in various places. Who to sit by? Pick a cute guy? Go with the older couple? Ehhhh, just sit down, Fawn. I sat by a really nice girl who may be near my age. It's so hard to know around here. She gave me her phone number and was so friendly.

Earlier that day, when I walked into the auditorium, I noticed everyone knew everyone. It was like we had been here 4 months and not 4 days. I wondered why I didn't know more people. I'm friendly. I've introduced myself to everyone. Oh! They've all met with their Revival Groups!

Sitting in the RG room I was determined to meet as many people as possible. Out leader, Carl, introduced himself and our four (official, I suppose) interns. Carl's the coolest...ever. He says things like, "yo" and "for realz." Yes, normally I would want to make fun of people who do this, but Carl's not trying to be cool. He's being funny. He's doing what I do when I say, "OMG" or "BTdubbs." BTdubbs, he said BTdubbs, too. (Hey mom! BTdubbs is slang for BTW which is the abbreviated term for "by the way"). The thing, though, that won me over with Carl was when he was talking about the Holy Spirit trying talk to you and you're just not getting it. He knocked on his grey haired head and said, "Hello! McCarl!" I believe I, along with two others (out of 60), laughed. Probably because only a certain age group of people are going to get Back to the Future references. He's so funny and no one even knows how funny he actually is. Perfect.

Our four interns are awesome and completely different from each other. I'm excited to get to know them better. They took us outside to play mixers. Grumble, grumble, just do it Fawn. As we were walking out I introduced myself to a shaggy blonde haired guy. I recognized his accent immediately. Knoxville, TN, baby! I just wanted to hug him and his wife. His accent felt like home. They are the first Tennesseans that I've met here. Our interns instructed us to find a stranger, find out their story, prophesy over them, and introduce them to the group. Prophesy! Do we hafta? Yes, Fawn. It's good for you.

Knoxville turned to me and said, "You wanna be my person? That way no one will make fun of how we talk." It sounded good to me. Reader, I must say that he and I don't really have the same accent. Mine has morphed over the years and has lost some of it's original appeal, but as I listened to him, I just wanted to sound more like him. His name is Jared. He and his gorgeous wife Erin have a young son. I listened as Jared told his incredible story of faith and God's provision in their lives. I told him mine and he listened like a big brother. I had a friend at the end of our 15 minutes. He told me that where Satan has tried to destroy my identity that I have always had a sense of who I am. He said he thought I have stood firm in who I am even before God got a hold of me. I think God's always pursued me. I don't think Jared was saying differently. I can see from the moment I was born or even before that God had my heart. He placed me with a loving mama who loves Jesus. I don't think I ever wanted anything different. Don't remind me if you can think of times that contradict this statement.

We introduced each other to the group, and after I spoke, Jared gave me a big hug. I hugged Erin, too. As the rest of the group spoke I noticed the love in our circle. "This is Jane, and she's just awesome!" "This is my new best friend, John." I went back to that first week of college. I was so guarded. Too cool for everything. Better than everyone because I was afraid they thought they were better than me. When we broke into small groups we played the name game. Jolly John. Beautiful Betsy. Then we had to name everyone. This one girl got to my name and said, "Fantastic...Fawn?" Out of my insecurity I hated her. Yes, I'm fantastic! Why did you say it that way? I smiled, but inside, I never wanted to see her again.

She's my best friend now. Erin drove across the country with me to get here. She loves me so much, and I love her.

This time it was different. I like who I am. I love people. If they have a chip on their shoulder I'll love 'em through it. I laughed so much during our group time. I did complain about the heat. Can't completely change all at once.

Please know I love you, whoever you are. Let me know you exist. Write on this "thang."

Our Bible reading is Luke 7-10 (for yesterday and today).

the bible reads like a sci-fi novel

2011-09-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

^{Romans 8:28-30}

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Does God live outside of time? We know time is passing by the direction of the sun, moon, and lines on our face. But does God live outside of that? Has God seen it all? Are we currently seated next to Him in heaven without knowing it? It's all very science-fiction, but exciting, too. God is bigger than we know.

Kris Vallotton spoke in the earlier session today. I'm still working through what I heard.

Romans 8:14-21

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.^[a] And by him we cry, “Abba,^[b] Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that^[c] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

So, I guess today's blog is for believers who have accepted Christ as their Savior. We are the children of God and inherit everything from God. We have inherited what Christ inherited. Verse 19 says that "creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed." So, all of creation knows who we are, and yet, I don't think we know who we are. I'm pretty sure I'm doing very little that's worthy for all of creation to be eager about. That scares me. Kris said, "Glory is a condition not a place." Do we live from heaven to earth thus having heavenly perspective or do we live from earth to heaven leaving us helpless?

Kris told the story of watching his grandchildren play superheroes. He noted that children never argue over who gets to be the loser of the group. They all want to be the strongest. Why, when we're adults do we obsess over not being good enough? "Being great is taught out of us. False humility is stealing from the Kingdom. Christ didn't die for junk. Stop insulting the creator!"

Is it arrogant to believe you're awesome in Christ? Is it conceited to think you're His favorite? Kris then told the story of the man who thought it was arrogant to think of yourself as great. "Only God is great!" Kris told the man to look at a painting on the wall and told the man to pretend he painted it. Kris then began to degrade the painting and say it was ugly and disgusting. By Kris demeaning the painting he insulted the artist. In the same way, when we demean ourselves in the name of humility when we insult our creator.

Once again I'm faced with the question of do I believe God truly loves me? Am I worth His love? Creation already knows it! Why don't I?

After hearing all of this I was ready to go home, but we still had another session. I didn't want another session. My brain was spent.

But then Bill Johnson came into the room. Everyone was excited. I was hesitant. Can I keep up today?

He spoke about Mark 6 going back to the first time they fed a bunch of people through multiplying of bread. Bill talked about power and authority, and I was behind the entire time.

Power=you catch the wave
Authority=you cause the wave

We worshipped without instruments and let me just say it- Church of Christers are not the only ones who can sing. We always think because we sing acapella all the time that we have the monopoly on good singing. These students here at Bethel have incredible voices and they sing loudly, too. So we sang after Bill spoke with Bill leading. Then we put hands on the shoulders of the people by our sides and prayed that they would have an encounter with God that changes them for the rest of their lives.

At Bethel there's always the more vocal, the more physical, the more obvious. They laugh. They shake. They scream. I stand. I pray. I'm quiet. I have been exposed just enough to not feel uncomfortable with all the display. We've been encouraged not to judge the motives of anyone. That's between each person and God. So, I stand and think too much. Why do they get the uncontrollable giggles, God? Why does he keep yelling, "Whoooooooaaaaa!" Why does she cry? Why are they shaking without control? Why God? If this is real? If this is how you work, then why doesn't it happen to me?

I've been told here and many other places to not compare my experience with God to anyone else's. If all I ever experience is peace then I should be more than blessed by that. But in my head, I feel like the last kid to be picked for the kickball team in elementary school. I began to cry because I felt sorry for myself. Why do you ignore me, God? In the past I've fallen into these thoughts and can't get out, but not this time. I began to assert my identity as His daughter. I told God what I want. I want to see a crown on my head! because I know I'm His favorite! (You're His favorite, too!) I did continue to cry because I was working through it slowly.

Bill brought it all to an end, but before he was finished he said, "If you asked God for an oak tree you may have gotten an acorn." In other words if you don't think God gave you what you asked for (which was an encounter with Him) then you may have gotten the seed that will grow into a full encounter. I can accept that. It's just the first week after all!

If you're following our daily reading, click Luke 5-6.

rebecca marie

2011-09-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

"Fawn! Are we cooking dinner together tonight?" Mischa from Michigan is moving into my room tonight, so we've been doing more roommatie type things together like cooking meals. It's easier to make ourselves cook for two people anyways. Here's our spaghetti, chicken, and squash dinner from the other night after church.

"Nah. I think I'll just eat some noodles with butter and salt." I wasn't in the mood to cook anything. Then I thought about how much protein I've eaten today. I needed some chicken.

"Do you have some chicken I could have?" Esther from Norway thought I was talking to her so she said yes. "Oh," I thought, "I was talking to Mischa."

"Well, Esther, do you want some noodles then?"

"Yes!" she said in her cute Norwegian accent, "I would like for you to teach me to cook." Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Me teach someone how to cook? Hilarious!

"Ok. I have noodles. Mischa, get your chicken out. Esther, do you have some spinach?"

"Oh yes! I have mushrooms, too."

Somewhere Melodie from France jumped in with her onions and we combined our resources to make dinner. Here I am "teaching" them how to cook. Still hilarious!

The noodles with tomato-basil chicken, spinach, grape tomatoes, onions with a little garlic was pretty tasty. I don't know if they'll ever request it again. Luckily, Mischa was there to give her input as well.

At the dinner table Esther suggested we go around and talk about something cool God's done. When it was my turn I thought about what had happened just today.

Kris Vallotton told his personal story of how he met Jesus. His whole talk was straight from the book I've mentioned previously called The Supernatural Ways of Royalty. One of the ideas I have taken away from Kris is that our identity is wrapped up in our name. "You become what you think the most important person in your life thinks you are." If God is the most important and the God you follow is mean, harsh, and unforgiving then you will see yourself as a lowly individual. If your God is forgiving, inspiring, loves you, and thinks you're His best creation then you probably have a high regard for your life and what you have to offer this world. I hear Christians say a lot, "I'm just a sinner." Well, I think our sinful lives are dead when we take on Christ. Kris says, "You were a sinner. By grace you're now a saint." You may sin sometimes, but it's no longer your identity, your nature.

Kris said, "Adam and Eve were trying to get through performance what they already had at creation." God told them they were prince and princess to His Kingdom and they decided to follow a different master. They obeyed Satan. They forgot they had authority over Satan. They forgot their identity. Then, when Christ was baptized God said, "This is my Son whom I am well pleased." Then Jesus went into the desert and Satan said, "If you're really the Son of God then tell this stone to become bread." Satan was challenging the identity of Christ! But Christ said paraphrased, "I don't need bread." Christ knew who he was and therefore didn't have to prove anything. "He refused to do to be." Satan wants us to believe our behavior is our identity. "I sleep around. I'm a slut." "I'm good at school. I'm intelligent." It's all performance driven.

I want to rest in Christ as my identity. Way better things will come from me if I do!

Somewhere in there Kris said we were going to practice words of knowledge and prophesy. "Oh goodness. I'm not ready for this, " I thought to myself. Kris knew a lot of us were thinking this same thing. He explained a Word of Knowledge is telling something that is currently true that has been given to you by Holy Spirit. Prophesying is telling something that is to come and, once again, the source is Holy Spirit. Either way, it's all very weird when it meets my Church of Christ upbringing and I have a feeling it's weird to a lot of others, but I'm open to it because I've been exposed to it for a couple of years now. I've heard of people healing people with words of knowledge both emotionally and physically, but I've yet to see it in action in my own life.

Kris had us find a stranger, so I met Denise, the girl sitting in front of me. He said we would ask Holy Spirit for a Word of Knowledge about the person's place of birth or bedroom. I chose bedroom. I saw a lamp. That was it. I saw a lamp. Kris told us we couldn't say, "I don't know." He said we have to say something. He's putting us in place where we are okay with being wrong. Apparently, it's good for us. Also, he said that sometimes you think you're guessing but it's actually correct and so it's a good way to learn how the Spirit speaks to us. Whatever! I saw a lamp. Denise laughed at me and said she did, indeed, have a lamp in her room. Big shocker there! She said she saw purple. Well, I have about 8 colors on my wall in Nashville from a weird mural that I painted. Purple happens to be one of them. We both laughed.

Next, prophesy. I told her I saw her dancing like a child and God delighting in her. She said she had heard that three other times this week, so I guess I was on to something if the other three were also correct. Prophesy is a lot less right or wrong, so I kinda prefer it. She told me she saw me working with teenagers and being a peaceful place in the middle of the storm for those teens. Well! I don't know if I'm a peaceful place for them, but I do work with teenagers and absolutely love them! (Shout out BHYG/BHSM! and all the other teens I've worked with!) The one picture God has given me has been me standing in a boat with a raging storm all around but the boat is steady. Others have given me that picture as well, so I told her she was spot on.

Then, Kris remembered he hadn't actually prayed for us to be imparted with the ability to prophesy. It was actually really funny. (I know some of you don't believe in actual giftings in areas. I haven't decided where I stand on that point. You're welcome to leave loving comments on this topic). So, he prayed for us, and the coolest beyond coolest thing happened! He told us to ask Holy Spirit for the name of the person's mother. I looked at Denise and closed my eyes. I heard Rebecca. Then I saw Marie. I looked at here with squinted eyes, worried smile, and said, "Rebecca Marie?" She said, "No. Her name's Deborah, but that's my sister's name."

"What? Rebecca? Your sister's name is Rebecca?"

"My sister's name is Rebecca Marie."

"What!? No! Her name is Rebecca Marie? In that order? Rebecca Marie? Your sister's name is Rebecca Marie? Are you kidding me? I said two names and they're both right in that order?"

"Yeah! It's not my mother's name, but you got my sister's."

"What?! That's crazy!" Then I told everyone around me. I wasn't impressed with myself at all. It wasn't me. I still am having a hard time believing it, but if God works this way then I want to be a part of it.

She then said my mom's name is Joan.

"No, sorry."

"Ok."

Wow! Rebecca Marie.

If you're following our daily reading it's Luke 3-4.

first day of bethel classes

2011-09-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

"Who's nervous?" the speaker yelled from stage.

"Not me," I thought. I've been waiting for this day. Since February I've know this was the place God was calling me to be. I've been to college. I've done the social butterfly thing. I've been friendly and popular in the sense of knowing lots of people. I've put fun above hard work. Not this time. I'm here to learn.

"Who's from another country?" The crowd cheers. It is very exciting to hear several accents come from the murmuring. I'm sitting by my French roommate. Qui.

"Is Kris here? No? Oh, here he is." The crowd cheers. Some stand to welcome Kris Vallotton on stage. I read one of his books a while back called The Supernatural Ways of Royalty. Changed the way I look at sarcasm and the weight of my words. We'll have to read it this year. I heard him speak in May. It was comforting to hear him speak because he is funny and recovering from sarcasm. I fond it comforting because I am also like that. I was worried everyone would be all smiles, puppy dogs, butterflies, and clouds here. Kris Vallotton is happy, but I see no signs of unbelievable joy.

Kris speaks to our first year class of over 900 students as if we're in a living room together. "I want to let you know what you can expect here at BSSM..." BSSM has a culture of love, empowering, ownership, R-I-S-K (faith is spelled R-I-S-K), honor, confrontation (no more passive-aggressive), expectant power, royalty, honesty, Christ-minded, inspiring, and purity. With a lot of humor he informs us of the world we've walked into and offers us an out if it's not what we signed up for...I doubt anyone will leave. This is exactly what I signed up for!

Bill Johnson's up next. Are you kidding me? I'm just blown away by who I am around. Is Bill Johnson God? No. Not even close, but when he opens his mouth you want to listen. He loves God. He's constantly in God's WORD, so I'm exciting to learn from him. "The presence of God is primary." So simple. So hard to remember sometimes. "Principles without presence is like a kingdom without a king." I'm missing his points because it takes too long to write them! "Don't assume you know the direction God's going based on principle." "Jesus didn't take away our ability to sin. He took away our ability to enjoy sin." Whoa! His words are flying over my head. Scripture references here and there and everywhere. Must...write...it...all...down...faster!

"God is never silent out of punishment...You already have the answer and just don't know it...Fear causes us to forget our tools...The Father trains you so that when He's silent we can think like Him."

Mark 8:13-21

¹³ Then he left them, got back into the boat and crossed to the other side.

¹⁴ The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for one loaf they had with them in the boat. ¹⁵ “Be careful,” Jesus warned them. “Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod.”

¹⁶ They discussed this with one another and said, “It is because we have no bread.”

¹⁷ Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: “Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? ¹⁸ Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember? ¹⁹ When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?”

“Twelve,” they replied.

²⁰ “And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?”

They answered, “Seven.”

²¹ He said to them, “Do you still not understand?”

vs 14-Basically, beware of the way the Pharisees and Herod think. The Pharisees think religiously. Herod thinks like a human. Their thinking will mess with your thinking which should be of the Kingdom kind.

vs. 16-The guys are thinking about lunch.

vs. 17-Jesus: Ummmm, I wasn't talking about lunch, but I guess we are now...

vs 17-19-Remember that time I did a bunch of miracles and created bread out of nothing...twice?

We do not lack in a Kingdom mindset or reality. We bring abundance into the reality that does lack.

Remembering His miracles and the continued miracles renews our thinking and we enter into a Kingdom where He is King!

Well, I'm just blown away from today and don't fully understand all the things I've heard, but I know I like it and am ready for tomorrow.

And just for added knowledge 30+ students from our class were healed from injuries caused previously. Yeah! It's pretty cool to see someone who couldn't bend over for 30 years all of the sudden bending to touch her toes. God still heals!

Now, for my homework. Luke chapters 1 & 2. If you want to read along with me, I invite you to read. Click here to read.

my first sunday at bethel church

2011-09-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a special day. It was my first Sunday at Bethel Church. Due to our first year class containing 900+ students we were asked not to come to the actual Bethel Church building. We went to their Twin View Campus where the second year class goes during the week. My mom asked if I thought being kept from the church building is fair. I completely think it's fair for them to request us not to attend their main building. We, as first years, are hungry for Jesus. We have traveled from all over the world to learn more about how God is working. Then there are the actual members of the church who support the school and visitors who came to check the church out. I would hate for Bethel to turn them away because their students were maxing out the building. I'm so thankful Bethel has found a place where we can worship together, still have leadership, and hear speakers like Bill Johnson, albeit streamed over the internet and up on a screen.

This morning we honored the people who have served as firefighters, police officers, and military. Ten years ago we were attacked, and as Bill Johnson said today, people came to Christ but not a nation. We then were encouraged to petition God for the nation. We want hearts for our nation. We prayed for President Obama. Throw out your political views. The man needs prayer! I prayed for his leadership, his relationship with Christ, and his safety. All of the sudden I didn't fell as helpless about my country as I usually do. "Oh the economy! Oh the youth of America! Oh our government!" I hear the negative all the time. "If so-and-so doesn't do blahblah, then the world's going to pot." I'm tired of thinking like that, so I usually just check out mentally and emotionally, but I don't want to do that anymore, either. So, we prayed and because I believe in prayer, I was empowered!

After church I decided to sign-up for two different extra classes. One is to be certified in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). I would have done this before China if I had had time. Now, I do, so I will. I plan on living internationally and this will help in serving God abroad. Second, I signed up for the Single Living class. This dude presented as NOT a dating service, so I was open to it. It about building healthy relationships with everyone. I wonder if it will help me not turn every guy I know into a friend. I blame Grant for that. I'm way better at friendship then romance, so I'm hoping to glean wisdom from this course. The TEFL is $475 and the Single Living is $50. God is good and has provided for these classes.

Tonight, Heidi Baker spoke. Heidi Baker speaking on my first Sunday at Bethel is a huge treat! My mom and I were blessed to hear her in Nashville in the spring. I never expected to see her this soon, again! If I can't get LUO to hire me to work in South Africa, then I'm headed to Heidi Baker's Iris Ministries School after Bethel. It's based out of Mozambique. Heidi Baker told of so many stories of God's provision! Once, they were handing out cookies to the starving children and they knew they wouldn't have enough, so they prayed over the cookies that God would multiply them. She said that when they don't have enough they don't break bread. Meaning, they aren't stingy when they don't have enough. They behave as a miracle will happen! God will provide! As they handed out the cookies in abundance, the kids stuffed the cookies in their pants and shirts, and yet, the cookies continued to be handed out. The kids ran to the nearby villages yelling, "Cookies! They have cookies!" More kids came and they all got cookies! Years later, those children are now followers of Christ. She said people come to that area and the children pray over them. The children prophesy truth and see healing in those that they pray for! I see the heart of Heidi Baker. She lives simply. Her life is constantly threatened. She has nothing to gain from telling made up stories. She is living out miracles and those miracles bring people to Christ.

Heidi invited anyone with cancer to come on stage and had the children of the congregation pray for them. I thought if my friend Sara, so I sent her a text and said I was grabbing those prayers for her healing as well. If you want to see someone walking in faith, please check out her blog and join me in agreement that it's time for that cancer to die and leave her fully alive!

This is only my first Sunday. Registration is tomorrow. Many students are still praying for their tuition to be paid. I am hopeful for them, including my housemate, Mischa from Michigan. God will provide for her. This is only the beginning. I'm so excited about this year!

too hot to trot

2011-09-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

My grandmother has always said someone was "too hot to trot" when referring to their ego. Today, it was too hot to trot in Redding in the literal sense.

Last night my housemate Jaimie and I decided we would like to go for a walk today. We agreed on 11AM because neither of us wanted to wake-up any earlier. Oh! The terrible life I'm leading!

We woke. Ate breakfast. Prepared ourselves for a nice walk.

I really wanted to see how long it takes to walk to Bethel school. I plan on walking as ugh as possible this year. Our other housemate Marly joined us as we left out the front door. Our other housemates looked at us like we were crazy. "You know it's hot out there?"

About eight minutes later we left our neighborhood and began to realize the intensity of the heat. All you Nashville people enjoy your 80 degrees F because her in Redding, it's 105 degrees F!

105 and no shade anywhere for 30 minutes.

Crossing traffic entering the "freeway" as they call it here, two hills, and no shade started a serious case of cottonmouth. I was parched. The three of us rushed into the air conditioned building struggling to find a water fountain. I wanted someone to come pick us up, but we had no phones nor any numbers.

30 minutes back and I found myself a couple feet behind my younger more spry housemates. I stumbled into the house light-headed and in need of some water.

I won't be walking to school anytime soon. Thank you God for my car! I hope serve others with it who don't have one. I didn't have a car until I was a junior in college, so I know what it's like to be dependent on others to drive you around. It's time to "pay it forward!"

my simple life

2011-09-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

Let me paint you a picture of my life today. Classes don't begin until next week, so I slept until 8:30 this morning. I woke to quiet voices floating from the living room. I walked into our large kitchen and scrambled some eggs, grabbed an apple, and drank some water. Scottie will be so proud of my healthy eating.

I walked into the living room to find my housemates Mischa from Michigan, Jaimie from Texas, and our newest addition as of last night, Esther from Norway. That makes two Norwegians in the house! The three of them were either on their computers or reading. I sat down on our large sectional recliner couch and joined the group. Christina from Arkansas asked if she could play the piano. That's right! We have a piano! She played and sang one of the worship songs she's written. It was beautiful! We have at least two others who love to sing and play. I could easily get used to this!

My housemate Mischa from Michigan just made a pot of coffee.
Two others are making lunch and the aroma is incredibly comforting.
Last night we pulled the TV out (it resides in hiding behind the loveseat couch) and watched Jane Eyre as a group!
I have a family that I just met two days ago!

(Mom, I still miss you terribly.)

When I was in South Africa this was exactly what I prayed to have in California. I loved the way we interacted at that house. People playing cards, singing, playing guitar, washing dishes, and living in community with one another. Is it crazy to live with 9 other girls? Yes, but that's because you're thinking about all the bad things that have happened in your living situation, and I've had them, too. I've been the bad situation.

But see it this way, whenever you put others first you see the heart of Jesus. It's not about me, it's about Him. We all clean our dishes immediately because that's putting others above ourselves. We each have chores to keep the house looking nice. We have quiet time hours to honor each other. Those of us who have cars give those who don't a ride around town. It's community. It's family. It's how God wants us to live whether we're in the same house, same church, same town, same country, or the same world.

Now that I've written my sermon, I think I'll go hop in the pool. That's right! We have a pool!

arrival in redding

2011-09-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

My three hour drive north from Patterson was uneventful. Thank you, Jesus! The death toll of bugs decorating my windshield helped the minutes "fly" by. My only personal sense of drama was deciding when to stop to use the bathroom. The deliberation almost lasted too long.

As my GPS instructed me where to turn as I entered into Redding, I pondered my friend Liz's words. "You'll love Redding. It's beautiful." I viewed my surroundings wondering when the beauty would appear. This was my fault. I hadn't asked her what she meant when she said beautiful. For me green grass is always assumed when land is referred to as beautiful. I looked up, above the yellows and browns on the ground and saw what she was talking about. Mountains all around. Incredible.

I pulled into the neighborhood, now my neighborhood. I liked what I was seeing. The homes were of decent size and attractive on the outside. Maybe I hadn't signed up for a living situation that would turn out to be an underground sex trafficking outfit. I drove up the driveway to a large ranch style home. I'm home. This is my home for the next nine months.

I rang the doorbell. Odd. This is my doorbell.

A long haired woman answered the door and I thought she was an angel. She looked exactly like the angels I dreamed about as a child. Her name was Melodie. The same girl I've been speaking with for the last couple of weeks. We hugged. Her soft voice and meaningful and slow statements were welcoming. She told me not all girls had arrived, yet, but she pointed out their beds. The master contains three beds, a couch, and a bathroom. The room across the hall will room two more girls. I then met Elizabeth, my next housemate, with a hug. Into the large kitchen with two refrigerators I met Mischa from Michingan. We did not hug. We shook hands. Oh goodness! Will I remember all of these girls?

Down the hall I met the younger girls, right out of high school, Marly and Jaimie, with hugs. So sweet! They remind me of some of the girls who recently graduated from our youth group.

My room. It's bigger than I thought. I have no roommate, as of yet. Next door Melodie and Elizabeth reside.

I meet Christina with a hug.

In all there will be eleven girls total. Five bedrooms. 2 bathrooms.

You think I'm crazy?

I asked Christina what kinds of things the girls have fought over in the past. She hesitated. I loved her final answer.

Paraphrased: Of course there are things that will be frustrating, but the school really focuses on confrontation within a culture that honors people.

That's one of the many reasons why I'm here. I'm not choosing the easy route on this one. I want to grow. Be better. I want to be less offended.

Tonight the younger girls, Jaimie and Marly, invited me and Mischa from Michigan to a party. My first instinct was to say no. I'm tired.

We went.

I was tired.

Mischa from Michigan and I left after 10 minutes. Mischa and I may be bad influences on one another.

Socializing like freshman in college is just not the season we're in right now.

When we had walked into the house for the party we had to take off our shoes. Imagine 50 pairs of shoes. Mischa took ten minutes looking for her one shoe. She said she could live without it, but I couldn't let her leave. We were attempting to walk home, so I couldn't let her go barefooted.

She found it! As we began our walk home I wondered how far this walk would actually be.

We were so happy to be leaving the party...until we realized we had no idea how to get home.

We got about 1 1/2 miles down the road before I started to worry. Mischa from Michigan tripped in the dark and broke that blasted sandal! We came to an area where two Mo Lester Vans were parked. She called her friend and asked her to pick us up. We crossed the street and waited. During that time another Rape Van pulled up and some guy hopped out. I thought he was Swamp Thing with all the stuff hanging off of him until I realized it was a backpack with a lot of straps hanging down. I pulled out the mace my mother insisted on me having in my purse and turned it to spray ready. Luckily, Mischa from Michigan's friend Holly drove up and took us home.

It was an eventful day, and I'm glad for it to be over. I'll start making smart decisions tomorrow.

bicycullllllllllllll race! in monterey

2011-09-05T02:08:00.000-07:00

A few days ago Ms. Lili threw out ideas of what we could do for the Saturday of Labor Day weekend.

Yosemite Park?

Oh yes! That sounds excellent.

Too far, probably.

Oh, ok.

Bike through Monterey.

Oh, I can do that. Sounds wonderful!

I must tell you that my mind resides in the unrealistic, the fantastical. As an illustration: When I was 10 years old I witnessed one the greatest movies for children. The Sandlot may not have been meant for girls, but I stepped into that movie as soon as the lights went low. I sat on the front row, but in my mind, I was playing ball with the boys. And I was good, too. Being simultaneously boy crazy I managed to fantasize Benny Rodriuez, Smalls, Squints, and Hamilton Porter all fighting over my attention. Yes, I even had a crush on the chubby redheaded kid. I think because he thought girls were bad at sports, so it was a triumph to win him over. So, maybe this is normal. Lots of people get crushes on actors, right?

It gets worse. Being an only child I played outside by myself a lot. One of my favorite games to play when my neighbor wasn't around was kicking my kickball up against the wall of my house. For hours I kicked that ball. Still normal, you think? Here it comes. I pretended that the boys of Sandlot were all with me preparing for Sandlot 2 and needed training in all sports. So, I toured them around our two acre lot showing them different moves. Only-children get caught talking to themselves a lot in life. For me it still continues to this day. The hilarious part of this story is that I am incredibly un-athletic, but my mind still fails to see this.

Even now if I'm invited to play a sport I immediately envision being the best one on the field. Fortunately, I have enough experience to know this isn't true. I don't enjoy being bad at anything. Knowing that I am, in actuality, a poor athlete I have learned to stay away from all sports, but occasionally, I must face my fear of looking idiotic to do fun activities.

Which brings us to bicycles.

In 2007 I rented bikes with my friend Lucy in Yangshou, China. I was terrified that I wouldn't remember how to ride a bike for it had been at least 12 years since I had given any tutorials to the Sandlot boys on bike riding. No joke, we covered bike riding at my sports academy.

Fortunately, after a few minutes of near death experiences on the streets of Yangshuo I got my bearings and was ready to off road it in the countryside. Ironically, our tour guide on bikes was named Lili. To read more about my experiences in Yangshuo, click here.

When Lili suggested we bike through Monterey, CA along the bay, I was enthusiastic! I was fine in China. Monterey should be a piece of cake, right?

I live my life as if an audience is watching. I'm continuously writing a story in my thoughts or imagining a video camera on me at all times. As soon as Dr. David tried to show me how to get on a bike while it was moving I knew I was in over my head.

"Look, Fawn. You just put your foot here, push with the other foot, and kick your leg up. See how easy it is?"
"I'm not doing that."
"Sure Fawn. Come on. Look. Watch me again. Put your foot on the pedal, push, up, and done. Easy."
"I think you're asking more of me than is reasonable, Dr. David."
"Oh, Fawn, you just..."
A saved by the Lili-bell rang in, "David, just leave her alone."

I went into the day thinking maybe my movie would be a romantic comedy. I wouldn't wow anyone with my bike skills, but I'd be cute in my black leggings and red and white striped dress and make a few mistakes that would be seen as enchanting. Maybe I would innocently run into a handsome young man who'd smile at my terrible (yet enchanting) bike skills and offer to buy me lunch. My host and hostess would find the handsome young man so charming that they'd gladly invite him home to Patterson. We'd fall madly in love, marry, have babies, and spend the rest of our lives making the world a better place to live for everyone while miraculously inheriting millions of dollars from an unknown relative. Of course we'd live simply because I like having money more than spending it on toys. We'd send a lot of money to the children with LUO and visit them on a regular basis. Then, when we're 80 years old our grandchildren will gladly run to us, sit at our feet, and ask about the day Grandmama ran (enchantedly) over Papa's foot with her bike at Monterey Bay. "Hahahaha!" the family will laugh while Papa stokes the fire.

Yes, it would be a romantic comedy type of day. We added to the party some of Dr. David's and Ms. Lili's friends, Phil and Sharon along with their oldest daughter, Jessie. They looked athletic...an omen.

Two hours later we arrived in Monterey ready to bike. Dr. Dave had jacked up my bike seat and handle bars. My seat was missing the crotch part. Only butt, no crotch. "Humph. It'll work," I thought. Five minutes down the road, it was not working for me. Dr. Dave said my feet were supposed to barely reach the pedals, but I felt like I was about to fall over. My memory of riding bikes when I was a child was much easier. Ms. Lili traded bikes with me, but her seat was large and hurt my inner thighs. It was also really high, but I didn't want to complain, so I stayed quiet. We rode a little, but my thoughts sounded like this, "What have I gotten myself into? I can't ride a bike! And people are everywhere! It's like an obstacle course."

We kept riding. I could suck this up. It just takes some getting used to! Dr. Dave began shouting gears that I should be in at different points on the trail. Really, his shouting just threw my equilibrium out of whack and would cause me to swerve into traffic. At one time I heard two runners coming from behind. They decided to split with one going to my left and the other to my right. I heard the one to the left first so I leaned to the right only to have the other runner right there. "Ahhhhh! Shirtless, sweaty, older men! Not my romantic comedy! Not the right romantic comedy!" I thought. I steadied myself. Stay on course.

We stopped for lunch overlooking the bay.

Back on the road I started to feel comfortable.

A little too comfortable. I knew from hearing bike accident stories to stay way from the edge of the road. It's easy to wipeout in that area. I watched the curb as it and the bike gravitated towards each other. I warned it to stop, "You won't like it there. Don't! Don't you do it." Like a disobedient child testing it's mother's threats, my bike hit that curb. I thought I was gonna fall, but I didn't. My embarrassment from others seeing it was enough, though.

I'm entirely too self-conscious. I know. It's what makes for a bad athlete. The good ones make as many mistakes as I do if not more, but they keep going. I want to quit when I'm not completely successful right away. I did it with surfing. I wanted to do it with biking, but I couldn't, so I didn't.

Sharon had some old friends who lived on the main road, so we stopped by and chatted with the lovely couple after first getting turned around and surviving the dreadful holiday traffic. They have a large window that looks out over the bay. I was thankful to rest my sore butt.

Our next stop was Lover's Point. Sharon warned me as we walked near the rocks that it's incredibly dangerous. The waves come up fast on the rocks, and stupid people sitting on the rocks get hit. "People die, Fawn. It's dangerous. They die."

Then, before I knew it, we were all climbing over the rocks to the place where people die. Sharon led the way all the time saying, "Fawn, people die," then chuckling a bit.

We did not die.

On our way back I found myself ahead of everyone else. If I knew where I was going then this would be the best place to be. Caravanning with six bikes can be tricky when pedestrians are everywhere. If you're in front you set the pace. Well, we came to a point where I heard a member of my group say go left. I stopped not sure which way to go. Let me explain what stopping means for me. Due to the height of my bike I must hop down from my seat that should be used in torturing prisoners of war.

"Tell us your country's secrets!"

"Never! You may kill my family, but you'll never know our secrets."

"Bring out the bicycle seat. Five minutes, and he'll be talking."

"No! No! Anything but that!"

I must hop down from my seat and gain footing on the concrete. Unfortunately, I stopped on a slight incline, so when my group passed me, I couldn't get enough power to move the pedals. Pathetic? Maybe, but you try being me. Pedestrians passed me laughing, or at least I thought they were laughing at me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear a studio audience laughing without the help of a laugh track. Straddling the bike, I tried to walk it up the sidewalk but the pedals hit my leg scratching them. I attempted getting up on the bike and my stupid TOMS shoes slipped off the pedals. Who wears TOMS to bike in?! I jumped again but a man bumped into me causing me to land rather hard on the seat taking the wind out of my sail and brought my ability to bear children into question. I was hurting bad, but I had to get back up with my group. After moving slowly downhill behind walkers (it's hard for me to retain balance at slow speeds) I made it up with the rest of the group only to almost be hit by a trolley while Lili waited for me to catch up. I quit. I got off my bike and walked it the rest of the way to the shops we were trying to get to. I bought a fruit popsicle to make myself feel better. Yes! I eat my feelings sometimes. I've already admitted that in another blog post!

We saw seals. Arrrrrrr, arrrrr, arrrr!

After all of that, getting back was really easy. I got the hang of the speeds, my balance, and maneuvering traffic. My butt hurt, but I was happy. I was really happy! I was glad I did this! I'm so glad my Patterson family brought me to Monterey Bay. I wish their daughter Daley could have been here.

Driving away from Monterey, Sharon insisted on stopping to see the giant artichoke. I do not regret this at all!

In the end, did I achieve my romantic comedy? No. I did not. For now my life is a comedy with infused drama here and there. It's like sitcom addressing meaty topics like drug abuse or eating disorders except for I have neither of those issues. It's like an episode of FRIENDS without the weekly salary.

hulling almonds in patterson, ca

2011-09-01T21:13:00.000-07:00

On my adventure to Redding, CA I've had many stops along the way. I am currently at my friend Daley's parents' home in Patterson, CA. This is not my first visit to Patterson. Oh no! I was extremely blessed to stay with Daley, her older brother Mike, her younger sister Leslie, and Ms. Lili and Dr. David back when I was a silly freshman who had a poor grasp on California geography (still do) and a misunderstanding with my family on how long they would stay in the Bay area. Long story short, Daley came to my rescue and housed me for a week in Patterson. So here I find myself again, but this time, no Daley, no Mike, and no teenage Leslie ready to share her bed with me. No. Mike's in Southern California. Day's off with her boyfriend in Nashville. Leslie is enjoying her first few months of marriage. Everyone's grown up, but I'm enjoying my time with their parents out on their new farm.

I'm so blessed once again to witness a beautiful marriage. My aunt and uncle were a delight to spend time with and learn from. And now, Ms. Lili and Dr. David are imparting their marital wisdom on me through their respect towards each other. They're like children in love occasionally chiding each other on nothing too important. I have never lived in a household where married people loved each other, so I know God is giving me these nuggets of time to glean from them.

Dr. David came home early from work, but Lili and I were off to the mall to shop. Dr. David expressed his deep disappointment with me assuming I was different from his daughters. He thought I would prefer working in the orchards rather than shopping. He's probably right, but I wanted to spend time with Lili. We bought cosmetics that supposedly inspire women to feel better about themselves then ate lunch at Mimi's Bistro. When we returned Dr. David was ready to put me to work.

"All right, Fawn. Let's work on the almonds!"

He dumped a shovel full of leaves, dirt, and almond shells on a make-shift table and gave me a quick tutorial on hulling almond shells. I don't think I ever knew what almonds grew on or looked like. Trees, if you're wondering. After hulling a pound of almonds, Dr. David threw a pair of work gloves at me and said, "All right, Fawn. It's time to see the next process in harvesting almonds." With an excitement only a novice possesses, I quickly slid the gloves on my hands, lifted the wheelbarrow, and followed in Dr. David's direction for he was already yards ahead. We rounded in front of the farmhouse, but Dr. David got distracted and veered away from the almond trees. After yesterday's tour of the farm I knew where to go. I parked my barrow, pulled out the shovel, and dug into the piles Dr. David had already formed. In apparent surprise Dr. David exclaimed how proud he was that he didn't even have to tell me what to do. For a girl who hasn't heard approval from her father in a long time, it was all I needed to retain the pep in my step. As the wheelbarrow began to swell with almonds and leaves I feared he might expect me to wheel the collection back to the barn. I envisioned a wobbly barrow and a clumsy delivery with the almonds falling all over the gravel driveway. My pep began to waver. Dr. David shook the trees and almonds rained on my head. Luckily, he grabbed the hefty wheelbarrow, and I followed them back to the barn where Lili had joined in the hulling festivities.

beckster

2011-09-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

I me Becky freshman year of college. I thought she was an upperclassman with the way she carried herself. She was so...mature, confident, assertive. She interned, worked, and blew school out of the water. She spoke French fluently and took Spanish just for fun. She ordered pizza late at night, drank Coke (actual Coke not a general reference to soda) all the time, wore heels to work, and bee-bopped everywhere she went with a smile on her face. Sophomore year we both went to Vienna, Austria with our school. This photo above is from Amsterdam. The next semester we pledged together. Our pledging experience could have torn us a part with the things that happened, but it only brought us that much closer and created the Vienna Vier (4 in German).

Becky interned in D.C. a couple of summers in college and then moved there after graduation.

I have been to Washington, D.C. a handful of times in my life. On the 8th grade trip, in 11th grade when my best bud Grant and I joined a scam for future leaders of America (we still had fun), right after college Erin and I visited Grant and Becky while they were in graduate school and Becky was simultaneously working for the Senate Majority Leader full time, and my last time to go was a few years ago when I drove out there with Grant to help him move his stuff from his grad. school apartment back to Nashville (only 3 months later to find he would move back to D.C. for a job). On these last two visits Becky has provided tours of the West Wing and the Capitol. My friends are smarter than I am, no doubt. But I'm not afraid to sound stupid when asking questions, so in the end they make me smarter. Becky kept saying she worked at the Capitol, but I just thought that meant she worked around that area, so when she offered to take us to her work the first time, I said, "Ehh." When I realized it was the actual building, I was so ticked at myself. My laziness struck again. This last time in D.C. I ditched Grant while he interviewed for the job he would eventually get, and I worked my way through Capitol security and met Beckster. Her friend who worked for the Vice-President gave me a tour of his office as well. I'm telling you, I would never know the worlds I've seen without having intelligent friends. I'm so incredibly blessed by their exposure to the world, but Becky is more than that. She's the type of friend that brings you chicken noodle soup when you're sick. Sends you "just thinking about you" cards. Mails CDs to you in China on your birthday. Forgives you when you're a total jerk. Calls you monthly to stay in touch and up-to-date. Remembers your new friends' names knowing that she'll never meet them. Reads your blogs. Beckster's a good friend.

The last time I saw Becky was in the late winter. I cam down with what I thought was the flu that weekend, so I really only enjoyed one night with her. The second night was miserable, and I went into hiding after that. I did, though, see something different about her. She's always happy, but she was glowing. She was in love! I didn't know for sure if he was the "one," but I was hoping. So, when Becky called a few weeks ago to tell us he had proposed, I was so excited for her. I'm excited for all of my friends when they get engaged, but there's something exhilarating when your friends who have waited a while for a good man to come along get one. And he is a good one!

I know I act like I'm so put out with all the weddings, I've been in, but I really secretly love it. It says I am blessed in friendship. So, in January I'll be a bridesmaid for the 12th time in Washington, D.C.! I'm so excited for Becky and her fiancé. If you'd like to check out the photos of the surprise engagement (yes, engagements can still be a surprise these days) then click here.

find me a find, catch me a catch

2011-08-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

Last December my friend Daley invited me to Lipscomb University where she works (and our Alma Mater) to hear this band, The Civil Wars. I hadn't heard of them nor did I care to go. I already had plans to go to a dinner party. Later, I saw postings on Facebook by one of my friends. The posting offered free downloads of The Civil Wars music. I checked them out, and they were good. I had no idea how good until I saw them live that night at Lipscomb's Shamblin Theater. I was mesmerized by the two singer/songwriters. Joy Williams fluttered about on stage; not like an annoying mosquito but a beautiful butterfly. She was like an angel that I couldn't take my eyes off. John Paul White was masculine and quiet with one liners that sent the audience rolling with laughter. The two moved and sang together like they were twin siblings born knowing what the other thinks and feels. They are not siblings, and despite their chemistry, are not romantically linked. I don't think their spouses would appreciate that. No, they're just bonded by music, and it's beautiful to watch and listen.

I've Got This Friend is the song I listen to most often on my iTunes.

And this song is just good...but really, they all are.

found some!

2011-08-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

Aunt Sue went digging and found some classics. I was hoping for some when they were in their twenties, but these will do. Do you see the resemblance at all?

Liz and Fawn

Liz's dad (Uncle Bob) and Fawn's dad

cousin liz

2011-08-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

My wonderful cousin Liz drove up from San Diego with her 3 gorgeous kids to visit in Los Angeles! Uncle Bob took us for a hike. I think we all knew it was too hot to hike without shade, but we needed something to do. The kids played in the pool, we ate great food, and Aunt Sue got to play photographer. Some people think we look a lot alike. All I know, we have the same family double chin. I've discovered this week that I look a lot like my dad. Liz looks like her dad. Our dads are brothers. I really wish I could find a photo of my dad and Uncle Bob from when they were younger and do a comparison of the two of us. Why? Because I like genealogies.

did i make a mistake?

2011-08-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

This week has been so much fun! I am not a natural tourist. If you asked me what I would like to do for the day I would say either go for a hike or stay home and read a book by a pool (if a pool is available), but since my friend Erin had given up an entire week to drive me out to California, I thought I should be more willing to do the LA touristy type things that people tend to do. Luckily, we've been staying with my Uncle Bob and Aunt Sue. Sue knows everything about the LA area and was willing to take us to some great places and show us how to get to the others.

We went to Zuma Beach in Malibu (I think) on Tuesday with Sue. It was chilly.

I know what you're thinking. Why is this girl still single?

Wednesday-We shopped and walked in Hollywood. H & M gets me every time.

After Hollywood we walked down to Santa Monica Pier. A stimulus for every sense.

Thursday-We spent the day in Santa Barbara then went to Butterfly Beach in Montecito. My aunt saw the actor Stanley Tucci, but she couldn't remember his name at the time. She made it sound like it was just some B level actor, so I didn't bother to look at him. Later, when she remembered his name, I was so mad at myself for not looking. I love Stanley Tucci. Such a great actor. Erin had no idea who he was.

Later that night we had dinner in West Hollywood at Taste with one of Erin's high school friends. As we were leaving this guy walked by us, and I thought, "Oh, he's good looking." Erin's friend attempted discretion but loudly said, "Do either of you watch Dancing with the Stars? That was Maksim Chmerkovskiy." I thought it was exciting. Erin had no idea.

That same night we met up with our college friends Laura and David and Laura's mom at the Griffith Observatory! It was really fun to see them again. Laura's one of the funniest girls and a wonderful nurse with elderly patients, and David is a walking contradiction of cool meets nerd as a skateboard toting, ocean surfing, drum playing rocket scientist. No joke!

Friday-We went to the Reagan Presidential Library. Erin and I enjoyed it because President Reagan represents our childhood in the '80s. It was a great history lesson.

Air Force One was also at the Library. Pretty cool.

A little stop at Venice Beach to see all the unique flavors of human beings God has created.

We finished up the night meeting Erin's oldest friend Annie and her husband John. We had dinner at Akasha in Culver City where Erin finally spotted a star. Well, he's actually an obscure actor whom I recognized, but I have no idea from what. He's one of those guys who guests in every TV show. He actually looked bigger in person. John was able to remember him in a few episodes of Mad Men. His name is Patrick Fischler. After dinner the girls went to sing Karaoke!

Today was Erin's last day.

As I drove Erin to the airport reality hit me in the face. Erin's going back to Nashville. I'm staying in California. I'm staying. She's going. I'm no longer on vacation. I won't see my family until Christmas. I won't see my friends. I'm committed to living here. I began to cry behind my sunglasses then snapped back. Erin and I talked about something unimportant. Over the hour drive to the airport I went in and out of crying without Erin knowing. I was going to miss her. I miss my family. Have I made the right decision? Can I do this? How have I chosen to do life alone once again?

Then I go back to God's promises. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I don't have to know the plans to know God has made them. It's frustrating, yes. But I trust Him. Part of letting go of my controlling nature is trusting that His plans are working themselves out in my life and that I have a purpose in His Kingdom here on earth. Christ is in me.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is deposited guaranteeing out inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession--to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:11-14

My life is meant to glorify my God whom I love. His son sacrificed his honest life for my dishonest one and made me worthy. Worthy of a good story in His name. I may not know how the story will play out, but I am trusting the author that it'll be a good one, and that I'll never be alone in living it. My responsibility as the main character in this story is to follow the author. Let the author lead me and be willing to make mistakes knowing that the over-arching story will play out and the details will only make the story that much more interesting.

you're going where? you're doing what?

2011-08-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

I think understanding my recent decisions has been difficult for some people. I haven't fully explained my reasons because I wasn't quite sure myself! I haven't been ready to articulate or debate my reasons. I love a good sparring of words, but this has been too close to my heart to defend. I am a logical kind of girl, and I'm making illogical decisions, so when people ask, "Why are you going to an unaccredited, non-church of christ school and giving up a job that was just about to take you into a position that you've always wanted?" And, "Why California?" And, "Aren't you afraid?" And, "Do you really know what this school is about?" And my favorite, "What do you hope to gain from this experience?" When people ask all of these questions and more, I'm left in a place to defend my reasons, and I just don't have the confidence to do that. I so badly want approval from everyone. When one of my church elders questioned me on the school, I don't think he was putting it down, per se. He just wanted to father me through my thinking process, but I'm not used to anyone helping me make decisions. He saw the conversation was upsetting to me and apologized later. The apology wasn't necessary. If I'm not in a place to explain my decisions, then I'm not fully confident in God.

So here it is...

As illogical as it will all come across...

I'm no longer trying to please you people :)...

Three years ago my mom and I decided we wanted to be healthier. Mom wanted to lose weight, and I wanted a better understanding of nutrition (plus, I always think I need to lose weight). As I wrote a year ago in Weight? I already did that we started going to a nutritionist.

Side note: A few months after writing the post I had a slight disappointment in life and decided I didn't care about being healthy anymore. Gotta love self-destructive behaviors! 2011 has not been a healthy eating year, but I know what to do. I just need to do it.

Anyways, we began going to the nutritionist on a weekly basis. I think I went three times that first year. Her name is Scottie. I quickly realized there was something different about this lady. Her food consulting always turned into a counseling session. It turns out a lot of overweight people are just eating their feelings. She wanted to heal her patients not just get them thin. At some points I felt like Scotti was seeing things in me that I couldn't see. I was lying to myself about a lot of things.

My mom found out that Scotti also provided a prayer time for people every other Saturday at what she called Victory Healing Center. A group of Christ-following men and women join Scotti on the designated Saturdays and pray for people who want prayer for physical or emotional healing. That didn't go against what I believed, but I thought it was weird. Mom and Grandmom decided to go. Mom asked if I wanted to sign up, and I said, "Why? We don't have any problems. I just don't really get what they would pray about. And that just sounds awful, being prayed for two hours. Guh." When they came back from their prayer time, they looked different. They looked lighter. Mom was glowing. She said I should give it a try. I went to Scotti for a nutritional appointment and booked my prayer time.

My prayer time was incredible. The women who prayed for me were very "in tune" with the Holy Spirit which I didn't know anything about at the time. They were able to pray for healing in parts of my life that I didn't even realize I was holding onto until talking with them. Soon after that I started asking Scotti questions about the Holy Spirit. She let me look at her library and I took some books. I scarfed them down. I was so hungry for any information I could get on the Holy Spirit. I listened to audio CDs from sermons by Bill Johnson and Randy Clark. I heard Bill Johnson basically saying that God still works in miracles. I heard Randy Clark say that God can use "little ole me" when it comes to these miracles. I was blown away! I reread Matthew and Acts from the bible. It's amazing how different the stories appear when you think they might still be capable of happening today. I was taught that the miracles that happened in the bible stopped happening because we don't need them anymore. I never understood that reasoning, and it made me mad at God. Why would he stop healing? And what about the times miracles do happen? Does God come out of retirement occasionally? I don't think so. I think we stopped believing. I think we stopped looking for God in the impossible.

In the last three years I joined the prayer teams and began praying for people in a way that I had never prayed before. I have seen emotional and some physical healing through Christ in a matter of seconds! I went to an all women's conference one year ago and experienced full release of bitterness from my dad. Actually, what I think I truly received was accepting love from the Father, because I still have to constantly forgive my dad as I remember things, but my unforgiveness was keeping God at arms length. I forgave God for all the mess I had been holding Him accountable for, and then received forgiveness from Him. In that moment I had what the more charismatic would call a manifestation of the Spirit. My hands began to shake, and I asked myself, "Am I making them shake?" I opened my eyes and willed them to stop but they didn't, so I closed my eyes and thought, "God, don't let me control this. I give control over to you." Immediately, my face felt alive with electricity. Similar to when your foot falls asleep but X100. I felt physically out of control, and I liked it! I began to weep. My tears washed my face and ran down my neck in way that made me feel cleansed. I usually try to hide my tears in public. I don't want to be weak, but at that moment, I knew my tears were very important and that I shouldn't wipe them away. I stood hand shaking, face tingling and wet, and I praised God. Thank you Jesus for your love for me! Thank you God for always pursuing me! I will pursue you for the rest of my life!

Later, I thought back to the time I had a panic attack in 9th grade before a Picken's Bible test. I was not prepared because I had forgotten about the test. I found out 5 minutes before and because I was performance driven and knew I would fail, I lost it. Hyperventilating with a brown bag from someone's lunch in my face, on the ground in the hallway, people everywhere, kind of losing it. Lost all control! They had to get the guidance counselor to take me to another room and I missed the test. The same exact feeling in my face happened that time, too. In 9th grade I was giving my control over to Fear. Last year, I was giving my control over to God. The second option is way better!

The following Sunday I experienced the beginnings of the habit of forgiveness. I was nervous to share what that post reveals to my church of christ family. I left out the hands shaking, face tingling part because I was afraid it take away from the story. I think my home church is moving towards the Spirit in some great ways, but I know we can all handle only so much at a time. I'm assuming the ones from church who reads this love me enough to let the "weird" stuff slide. And believe it or not, I'm still holding back ;)

After this time I began to question if my life was serving God in the way He wanted. I was serving God in the way I wanted, for sure, but I hadn't asked God in a long time what He wanted. So, I began to look at all aspects of my life including my wonderful job where I assisted youth ministers at a church. In January I went to a wedding of a high school/college friend. Two of the bridesmaids were also old friends of mine. One I had met in 5th grade, and we hadn't really been good friends since 7th grade even though we've always been in school together. Her name is Elizabeth, and I was planning on saying hello and moving on, but somehow we began to talk more personally. She said she had lived in Redding, CA a couple of years earlier and I exclaimed, "Were you at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry?!" She energetically said yes and assured me it wasn't Hogwarts School from Harry Potter. I told her I was interested in going, and she pounced on that subject. We began hanging out after that, and I got to meet her daughter and talk with her husband who also attended the school. I decided to apply.

A month later I had been interviewed and selected. I told my boss at the end of February that it was time for me to move on, timidly told him about the school (playing down the "charismatic" parts), and gave him my 6 month notice (ha!). I believe about a month later my boss and our female youth minister announced she would be going back to teaching. For a while I considered youth ministry as an option for me. Should I stay and apply to be a youth minister? Teens and parents approached me on the subject. I wanted it. I desperately wanted it, but I had no peace about it. I agonized over the decision. One mom who is like another mom to me said, "Don't you think this is God's way of telling you to stay?" I had thought about that, but something told me that wasn't right. I believe this was a time for me to realize the impact I had made on my church in the 3 1/2 years that I had been working there. Within a few months I received many compliments from teens to elders on the work I had done, and that was a huge blessing. I needed to know that I hadn't been a secretary in their minds. I needed to hear that I had been making a difference in our youth ministry. My decision became obvious one night when I woke up at 3AM. The stress had been waking me up quite a bit. Every time this happened I tried to fall back asleep but couldn't, so I figured God wanted to talk to me. This night He did. I knew I had to follow the peace, and peace came with moving to Bethel and not with staying in Nashville. The next day I became publicly assertive in my decision (although still analyzing in my head). My logic said stay. My peaceful heart said go.

Now, I'm in LA staying at my Aunt Sue's and Uncle Bob's home waiting to head north next week. I'm still not sure what to say when people ask why I'm going to Bethel. I'm pursuing God. I think I can learn from the people at Bethel. Will they all be right? I don't think so. I jokingly told people at church that I wouldn't drink the Kool-Aid, but I don't want to be closed off to everything because it's not what I'm comfortable with. I've never been one to blindly agree. One might even say I'm a bit argumentative. I'm not looking to prove anyone wrong, though. I want to let go of judgment. I cannot determine anyone else's motives but my own.

I want to know know God. I want Him to reveal more of Himself to me. I want to study His word and experience a life with Him. That's why I'm going.

leaving nashville

2011-08-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

The night before I drove away from Nashville I went to a birthday party for my friend Erin at Pie in the Sky in Midtown. For me it was one more last goodbye to some wonderful friends before I head to California and attend Bethel School of Ministry. A few guys asked me if I was nervous and I honestly replied no. I take things one at a time, and at that moment, I was still thinking about packing. They jokingly told me to stop being so tough and admit that I was, indeed, anxious about the big move. I had nothing to admit to. I was fine.

The next morning my mom offered to make me breakfast which was really nice of her. She was putting on a brave and supportive front that I truly appreciated. My grandmother shuffled around offering advice whenever she could. I wasn't excited to say goodbye to my family, but I was eagerly awaiting the upcoming adventure. I showered, packed the remaining items that are really unnecessary, and ate my maternally prepared breakfast. Mama and grandmama watched me, asked me questions about what I had packed, and watched me some more. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't nervous. I was...Without excusing myself from the table I ran to the bathroom to free my eggs and biscuit from its digestive fate. I don't know why it refused to stay down. It would have found itself in the toilet at some point. Mom found me hunched over the toilet bowl and sighed a pity-like sound and rubbed my back until I was finished.

My mind said I wasn't nervous, but my body begged to differ.

I said goodbye to the lovely ladies in my family and drove over to Josh's and Erin's home to pick up Erin. She had agreed to help me drive west, and I was happy to have her join me. Amanda came over to bring me a CD she and her husband Anton had recorded for me. I love listening to them sing, so this was a real treat for me. I don't have many details planned for my future wedding to a man I don't know yet, but I do know that I want Anton and Amanda to sing at it.

Amanda took a few awkward pictures of us with my car and then said goodbye. I'm so thankful to have been friends with her for 13 years! She's a good one.

Erin's wonderful husband prayed over us when we got in my car and then made a few lame Thelma & Louise jokes that I rather enjoyed. Feeling as excited as my face shows, I was ready to go!

Three hours later we drove into Memphis. I had never been to Beale Street, so we stopped for lunch at some Irish place with diving goats. They only sat for us.

The rest of the drive was pretty boring. We bought a book on tape from Cracker Barrel, and Erin drove the rest of the way. When I realized we were going through Oklahoma City, I texted one of my friends and former youth groupie Kendall. He told us where we could find a good hotel and great Mexican food. He met up with us and took us on a tour of his University. It was good to see him in his natural habitat.

The next morning Erin and I went downtown to the Oklahoma City Memorial to honor those who died in the bombing of 1995. Erin and I were in 5th grade when this tragedy happened. Just old enough to remember the sadness and pain that this day created. Because it was a Sunday morning not many people were around. It was quiet, serene, and uncomfortable.

We were on the road by 9AM zipping through Oklahoma, Texas, and into New Mexico! We stopped at a travel center that just so happened to have a small car museum, so we took a tour.

For weeks now Erin has been talking about seeing the Painted Desert. It sounded beautiful and right off of I-40, so I was all for it until we got there. We had passed through storms and the air was chilly with threats of more rain. When we drove into the National Park I wasn't too impressed. Erin, on the other hand, was blown away by the beauty. Were we looking at the same thing?! She saw rainbows of color in the rock formations. I saw shades of brown. I stayed in the car and took pictures of Erin enjoying herself.

We made it to Flagstaff, Arizona for a good night's sleep and hopefully an improvement upon my attitude towards the desert. A good attitude was, in fact, just want I got!

We had decided that we were not going to see the Grand Canyon because it was far enough out of the way to throw off our schedule, but Erin began to waiver. "We may never get another chance to see it." I thought about this. Yes, we may never see it, but I may never again see the gas money it cost to get there. We may have to stay another night in a hotel. More money. I thought. I thought. I remembered how I never saw the Great Wall of China when I lived there. It didn't bother me then, and it doesn't really bother me now. I was never in the vicinity. But I was in the vicinity of the Grand Canyon! "All right! Let's go!"

We actually got to walk the Skywalk which is a glass bridge that allows you to walk out into the canyon and suspend over it! It was incredible! All I can say is, "Good job, God. Good job."

When we were finished we looked at the time. I threw Erin the keys and said, "With your driving we could probably make it to Los Angeles by 11PM." My Aunt Sue and Uncle Bob had offered a place for us to stay in LA, and I was ready to get there, and I really didn't want to stay in another hotel. I knew Erin McSpeederson could handle the LA traffic. I texted Sue and asked her if it was okay for us to come in at 11PM. I don't think she truly believed we could do it. She hadn't seen Erin's driving!

Erin's driving has always frightened me. When we're in Nashville I usually grab something in the car to brace myself for a wreck. It's not that she's a bad driver, but she goes so fast! I know my driving has to drive her nuts for the exact opposite reason. Sometimes, I catch myself going 5 below the speed limit. Erin took the driver seat after the Grand Canyon, and I prepared myself for a ride. It thrills me and terrifies me at the same time, and the night makes it worse for me. I have poor depth perception in the dark, so it feels like everything is flying at me. When we finally made it to LA she was weaving in and out of lanes missing cars by a slight margin. I was impressed and in awe. I texted our location to Sue and she said she would see us at 11:45PM. We were there at 11:01PM with my heart pounding, fists clenched, and jaw sore. It was fun!

saying goodbye to nashville

2011-08-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

I had decided weeks ago that I would not make any plans to see people on Friday, the day before I would drive from Nashville, TN to Los Angeles, CA. I held firm to this goal with friends who wanted one last lunch or dinner to say goodbye. One of my mentors and good friend, Pat, requested a lunch and pulled out his phone to see his calendar. I said, "I've got no time." He looked at me like I was joking. I wasn't. Every lunch, every dinner was taken. I was also spending a few days in Atlanta, so I had no time. Pat looked sad. I was sad. Like I've said before, I'm not leaving Nashville because I have nothing to do, no family, and no friends. I'm blessed beyond comprehension in relationships. I use the word comprehension because I don't possess the warm southern gentility of most women, and therefore, always shocked that my abrasive opinions, self-deprecating humor, and lack of overt sweetness allows for me to still have friends. It's a modern day miracle! God is good to me and so are my friends.

As I said before my last day in Nashville was going to be spent alone and focusing on packing. I would be diligent in my packing. Only the most necessary items would make the journey with me. Then I got a text from Daley; my friend who I can pray with at any time; my friend who has made single life in the midst of married people a joyful time; my friend who forgives me when I confront her via text; my friend who does the sweetest things knowing she'll never see the same particular sweetness come from me. She left a rose and a card on the wind shield of my car for my birthday this year. I sent her a text on hers. So Daley requested one last goodbye and I consented. She knew it would be quick and understood. I didn't bother dressing or showering for Daley because she loves me no matter how ugly I am. Unfortunately, she failed to tell me she was bringing her boyfriend Weston along. I've met him once, so I'm not ready for him to see me in my natural, unclean state. I got over it and spoke with them for a few minutes. Daley gave me a beautiful card and wished me well.

I then began to receive texts from a parent that wanted to drop off a card and pick up a flash drive full of South Africa pictures, texts from other friends, and Facebook messages from John. They all wanted to come by! What a blessing and a pain in my booty! I wanted to see them, but I wasn't quite done packing. They offered to help, but I needed to focus. Why do I have so much stuff?! I began thinking of what I would give away when I return for Christmas. First things first, I had learned my lesson with Weston. Take a shower, Fawn!

Around 2PM the visitors started rolling in. First John with his friend that I had never met. Then, Amy, my good friend. Liz, who has been to the ministry school that I'm going to and her daughter walked in. Oh! My next door neighbor and longest friend who now lives in Birmingham, Meaghan, popped by! Ahhhhhh! I was overwhelmed. I need to also mention that I did not grow up in a hospitable family. I love the idea of people feeling free to come into my house, but my mom is an introvert and easily flustered by people. She, like many women, gets embarrassed about the state of house and begins to make apologies for the mess, blah, blah, blah. I just never invited people over, until this moment, I suppose. I had 6 six people in my living room with my life strewn about me. John's friend sat taking in all of the only child pictures of my youth. John entertained Liz's daughter by drawing puppies and other creatures. Amy sat trying to be helpful, but I didn't give her a job. Liz gave me a journal that she and another friend had written in with thoughts of how great ministry school will be. Meaghan and Liz rejoiced in their pregnancies, while I stood around trying to pack and entertain my guests simultaneously. Some left on their own accord, and others I had to tell to leave until it was just Meaghan and me. We never see each other, so it was nice to catch up for a second. She left and then it was just me and my stuff.

The sentimentality of seeing everyone messed with my logical packing, and before I knew it, I was packing everything. "I might need this pillow board I got in 5th grade to do my homework on." "I might need 15 pairs of shoes." "I might need colored pencils." The purging of crap will immense as soon as I get to LA.

Stay tuned for the road trip!

where can I find young adult literature involving a love triangle?

2011-08-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not about to pretend that I didn't love the Twilight series books. I did. I really enjoyed them. My grandmother read them faster than I did. Do I think they challenged me to think critically? Increased my vocabulary? Inspired me to be a better person? No. In 2009 I did however escape from my world and entered the teenage fictional world of romance and vampires and werewolves, and I liked it.

The Oatmeal may be accurate...The Oatmeal is accurate about Twilight but that doesn't mean it's any less of a good read to women (I've seen men enjoy it, too).

Recently, my friend brought The Hunger Games to my attention. I can't wait to see what The Oatmeal does to this one! It's another love triangle set in the future with a tyrannical government forcing its kids to fight to the death every year while people watch with salacious appetites. The difference this time is the main female character (Katniss Everdeen) is a strong fighter protecting the men that love her along with her family. Well, Bella from Twilight did that too. She just had a whiny tone to go along with it. Katniss is every guy's dream and the type of girl we all wish we could be. She's independent, can hunt, and is emotionally stunted. All right, so the last part isn't that attractive. I related well to the emotionally stunted part. It's okay to be friends with guys! As far as the read goes, it was fine. The story was gripping, but I had a hard time following the war descriptions, and I hated the ending of the third book, but I knew I would. These "young adult" stories always end with a nice bow wrapped around them. This is why I need to go back to the classics.

I've avoided reading Jane Eyre because I didn't do well with Wuthering Heights. I know! Not the same author! But it's the same family, right? A friend of mine said he read Jane Eyre in elementary school. I'm pretty sure he surpassed me in intelligence even then, but I may give it a go. I saw the movie, so at least I know what's going on if my reading retention fails me. Buut I think there's a bow at the end of this one, too...

But first, I must finish the book I've recently started called American Eve about the young woman Evelyn Nesbit in the early 1900s who was the "It" girl before anyone knew what "it" was. I think her husband ends up killing one of her lovers all before she's 21 years old...oh wait. So, I'm reading another story about a young brunette girl in a love triangle. Oh good grief! At least this one is challenging my vocabulary. I've had to look up at least one word per page. I've got to give myself credit somewhere! And I see no pretty bow possibilities.

and so the goodbyes begin

2011-08-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

Four years ago I moved to China. I remember the goodbyes were exhausting. Everyone wanted to have one last lunch with me. And you know what? I loved every minute of it. Where some people hate all of that attention, I thrive on it. I just love interacting with people who like me. Haha!

And so the goodbyes begin again. On August 20th my friend Erin and I will start our journey to LA. She will leave me there, and I will drive north to go to a school of ministry. I'm very excited, but first, I must say goodbye to all of the people I love.

First, I had to say goodbye to my job and the wonderful teens that I work with. One of my bosses, Nancy, is also leaving, so we decided to go out with a bang and say farewell at the End of Summer Skate Party themed As Seen On TV. I was one of the few who dressed up.

My next group to say goodbye to was my second family, the SA Mission group from June. Anna got me framed photos from the trip, and Michael got us dessert. I just love these kids!

This week I've been busy with goodbye lunches! Like with one of my favorite families from church! We went to The Local Taco in Brentwood. Cuban Corn, anyone?

Thursday, the best boss in the world, Jonathan or J-Dawg as I call him, took me and Katie (his assistant and one of my best friends) out to lunch. We also got an exit interview in there at some point.

Thursday night one of my oldest friends had a "Fawn Farewell" dinner party for me and invited some of our mutual friends. Although Ayesha and I met in college when she was at Vanderbilt and I at Lipscomb, we have grown closer because we are both Youth Ministry Admn. Assistants. Kristin was the host! Jessica and I became friends at church. And Betsy and I interned for the first summer at the same church about 6 years ago.

The following day I closed up my last day of work at church. I cleaned out my office and finished a few last minute details. It was bitter sweet. But I finished the day by going to lunch with The Office Annex. A few years ago the four of us (Judy, Amy, Katie, and I) were put in a closet with cubicles. We have never had so much fun! J-Dawg split us up because we were having too much fun. But on Friday we went to Judy's house and ate lunch and laughed like the good ole days!

That evening a few of my old friends that I studied abroad with in Vienna, Austria got together for dinner at Baja Burrito and dessert at James' house. We had so much fun telling old stories!

Then tonight my high school and college friends gathered for a cooking dinner. I love these times we have together. They have become so few as our lives have become so busy.

I look at the relationships that I have and I see how blessed I am! Why would I ever want to leave all of this behind for California? I know no one. I don't have a job. At the moment I don't even have housing. Why would I leave all of this comfort behind? Because I know God wants me to. I'm putting myself in a place where I can be broken and rise to be stronger in His love and protection.

where the blank is matt?

2011-08-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

I may be really behind with this Youtube sensation if it ever was one. I was in a year of re-entry culture shock/depression in 2008 after China, so I missed a lot that year as well as the year I was actually in China. That being said I apologize if this is nothing new to you.

The added humor to this video is that a father of one my friends/elder at my home church sent me an email with a link to this video entitled "Where the (word that offends some) is Matt?"

Added irony is Matt is not in hell at all. He's dancing his way around the world. A great writer/my high school friend/the dude that told me in 9th grade that I gave a weak handshake and therefore changed my greeting presentation for the better, Austin Church, wrote a helpful post on travel hacking. With his helpful hints and seeing guys like in this video, I'm ready to go on another adventure in my life.

For those of you who have never seen this and love to travel and smile, enjoy.

tickle an adult

2011-08-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

In the fall of 2010 I chaperoned a 9th-12th fall retreat with church. The youth ministers came up with a list of silly things to do as a group. The group to finish first is obviously the winner. My group playfully screamed at each other to read the next objective while other groups ran around us doing the same.

-As a group link arms and skip across the room.

-As a group walk around the room acting like an animal.

-As a group hug another group.

It was all very exciting and my heart was racing as other groups were screaming and running around. If we weren't staunch Church of Christers you might think we were being slain in the Spirit.

One of my teamates read the next objective, but I barely heard him read:

-As a group tickle an adult.

My adrenaline shot into overdrive, and I attacked the first adult I saw!

Matt or "Mellow" as the kids call him is my age, and at the time, we hadn't spoken more than a few words to each other. I certainly would never run up to the man and start tickling him, but this was a game! Perfectly acceptable to pounce on an unsuspecting guy and quickly move your fingers around his torso saying, "Tickle, tickle, tickle!"

Right then I turned around to my team who wasn't trying to tickle Mellow. One kid said, "Fawn, what are you doing?"

"I'm tickling an adult!"

"No, Fawn. It's tackle an adult."

I slowly removed my hands from Mellow and backed away. In the craziness I have no idea if Mellow even noticed, and frankly, tackling a man wouldn't have been any less embarrassing.

foster the people

2011-07-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

While I was in South Africa my friend Erin emailed me about a band called Foster the People. They were coming to Nashville, and she wanted to know who might want to go. I was so consumed with the trip that I didn't think twice about it. The day of the show I was driving to work and heard "Pumped Up Kicks" on Lightning 100 (Nashville's best radio option 83% of the time).

I remembered Erin's offer, texted her, and said a prayer that I wasn't too late to get a ticket. The show was, indeed, sold out. In fact they had moved it from the smaller Mercy Lounge to its neighbor (same owner) and bigger venue The Cannery Ballroom. I appreciate The Cannery because it's also the meeting place for Ethos church which is a great family to worship with.

Anyways, Erin asked her husband if he really wanted to go, and luckily, he did not and sold me his ticket. Erin, another friend Jena, and I were off for dinner and Foster the People that evening.

Don't make fun of my hat. I bought it in South Africa, and I like it.

The motivation of writing about this night doesn't actually come from the Foster the People show, although I did want to give them a plug. It was a really good show despite how short it was. Hey, it was only $10.

This cathartic moment is brought to you by the conversation the three of us had at dinner. We went to Jackson's in Hillsboro Village. It's a place I never quite feel cool enough to be in, but I like the paninis, so I keep going. Our conversation turned to the shallow gossip that we tend to always find ourselves in. This gossip wasn't meant to be malicious. Names were dropped concerning who has had breast implants that you would never know. Obviously, a lot of my responses were, "No!" "Are you kidding?" "I never knew those weren't hers!" Then, I took off my great South Africa hat and put on my judgmental one. "Those girls were always like that anyways. I know I'm being judgmental, but..." I didn't get to finish my sentence because Erin interrupted me with, "Yeah, you are."

Humph.

I stopped talking. Yeah, I was.

The following Sunday I went to Ethos and Dave, once again, delivered an "in your face" message without any apologies.

From John 8:1-11

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

This story is used a lot. Even non-Christians will use it against Christians. And maybe they should. Dave went in a completely different direction, and if you'd like to hear it, click here. I missed the first ten minutes of his sermon because God took my thoughts to the conversation about the boob jobs. Jesus could easily look at me and say, "Let she who has not acted out of insecurity cast the first jab."

This is very similar to my post, To An Ugly Girl. I hate it, but I need to recognize the nastiness inside of me and apologize to my victims. I don't really want to see women altering themselves to fit a certain criteria that the world has set for our bodies, but it's not very loving to roll my eyes at them when they do go ahead with the altering. Rolling my eyes kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Jesus looked at the woman and said, "I don't condemn you. Leave the sin behind." I'm not saying breast implants are a sin. The problem would be the driving force behind the implants. My judgments don't infuse love into the situation. They keep these women in a perpetual state of insecurity (I guess it's judgment to decide that breast implants are done from an insecure position).

So, it's best if I just take care of myself and turn away from my actions in this situation. I apologize to the women I have rolled my eyes at and will try to alter my behavior while others alter their boobs.

SA Trip- Monday, June 13

2011-07-09T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today is our last full day in Jeffrey's Bay. There's a sense of sadness in our group, and we wonder if everyone will miss us when we're gone.

We went to Ithemba this morning and setup for field day. Taylor B. and I took one child and made some last minute additions to the TOMS shoes. Then, John and I drew pictures on cardboard to play our giant matching game for field day. I think they looked pretty good. John's were better than mine, but I'm secure in my artistic abilities enough to say that :) In the afternoon we played our games, and I think the kids had a lot of fun. We said our goodbyes and fought back the tears. Sinovuyo followed me around. Siphelona wanted me to hold her the entire time. I told Nicole goodbye, and we both started crying. I looked all over for Isive. When I finally found her she played hard-to-get with me, but I grabbed her and hugged her. I asked Este to tell her I would write her. (Look at her in this picture. Little smart aleck...just like me).

Tonight we had "family time" after dinner. We sat in a circle and talked about all of the things that have happened in the last two weeks. It's so cool to see the changes in everyone.

One night I was taking the tray of tea that we drank every night into the kitchen and Ryan said, "Here, let me take it." What!? "Don't tell me what to do!" Ryan is offering to take this tray? I loved it! He has matured in so many ways, and if he reads this then that means he's reading more now, too!

Blake, who reminds me the most of myself when I was in high school, has taken a step back from the witty comebacks. I think I'm seeing him filter himself. He's very kind, but he tries to hide it like I do.

Craig has always been wonderful, but I've gotten to see the fun side of him. He reminds me so much of my best friend, Grant. I know he has a great future ahead.

Michael is getting to see all of his hard work

from the last year work itself out in this trip. He's been humbled a little by the mistakes, and he's already preparing for next year.

Anna has grown up here! She's always been sweet and thoughtful, but I think she got a glimpse of herself as an adult. She's going to do so many things for the Kingdom in her unique and artistic way.

Meredith may always be boycrazy and gitty, but I think she's been put into new situations where she's had to think about the world around her. This was her first mission trip, and I hope to hear about her going on many more in college!

Taylor L. or Toogle really settled down toward the end of the trip. He's got a lot of energy and many ideas to go with it. I think God started pressing on his heart to use that ingenuity in service rather than financial gain. I expect big things in the future for this guy.

Whitney has been impressing me for the last year of her life. She's dedicated to God. I respect her for knowing herself and what she believes and never being afraid to speak up.

Taylor B. knows herself better now. She may disagree with me, but I saw her gain self-control as the trip went on. She has such a good heart and loves God. I know I've found a life-long friend in her.

Jesse (or Big Panda) has always been the life of the party. I'm blessed to call him my friend. He pursues God with everything he has inside of him. He's a big talker. Loves the talking! but I saw him listen to God intently. He hasn't made decisions about his future based on the reality in front of him. He's making decisions based on how God's leading him. So proud of Big Panda!

They each have grown in amazing ways! We finished family time with a prayer where each of us got the chance to pray. I know the girls got annoyed with me encouraging them to pray, but it's so important to get over feeling insecure about how you talk to God in public. I was moved by each prayer. I felt the Spirit pressing down in the room.

I have learned so much from the adults that live here.

Tia is a strong woman in a small package. She has a sweet spirit but brings the hammer in the classroom. She generously shared her bathroom with the five of us, and I am so thankful to her. She has taught me hospitality at its best!

Lize-Marie is a free spirit who loves Jesus with all of her heart. She's creative and loving and so very talented. She gave me a bracelet that I will treasure forever! She has shown me what loving openly looks like. I pray this is not the last time I will see her face.

Zach is a very generous, humble, and loving person who has God's Word written on his heart. We jokingly said everyone had a crush on him including the guys. One of the girls said it best- Zach has changed the standard for what they will ever consider dating and how our guys will consider acting. He has reminded me of the adventurous heart God placed in me, and I too, am thankful for the reminder that single, godly men do still exist!

Lindsay is a quiet, servant-hearted woman. She loves the children at Ithemba and has dedicated her life to them. She has taught me that love comes in various ways, and from her, it's cooking. I don't think we got a chance to fully thank her for all she did. I hope we get that chance next year.

I think Gavin is really wise. He always looked shocked when I said that, but he has lived a lot of life. He could be making more money and living a different life, but he's followed his heart to Africa. He's taught me the importance of just being cool with what life throws at you. He understands the value of grace and completely rests in it.

With my dear friend John, I am so thankful I could depend on him during this trip and in life. He is a good friend and never let's me get down on myself. He is one of the weirdest people I am glad to know. He has taught me how to talk to strangers without fear of rejection. May we be friends for a lifetime.

We said our goodbyes the next day. I don't agree with goodbyes, so I quickly hugged everyone and pretended like we would see them next week. I am forever changed by the children at Ithemba, the teachers, and our hosts. I am so thankful for their sacrifice, and I pray that God brings us all back together again. I am more dedicated than ever to making my life meaningful in Christ and to serve Him. May He send me a mission soon, whether it be in Jeffrey's Bay or somewhere else. I truly love these people.

SA Trip- Sunday, June 12

2011-07-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

Sunday Morning
We just finished worshipping together on the beach. It's a beautiful day to sit in the sand. We're now sitting off by ourselves and reflecting on what God has revealed to us over the last week. As I watch the waves roll in I can only think that I don't want to say goodbye to the children at Ithemba.

Sunday Evening

After lunch today Gavin took Taylor B., John, Whitney, Mere, Ryan, and me surfing. He took the others last weekend. Our day was probably the better day to learn. Our waves were smaller, and the temperature was warmer. Last weekend Craig was the only one able to stand. This time I was the only one who didn't get up. I was really proud that I squeezed myself into a wetsuit let alone try to surf. I kept saying in my mind, "Don't negative self-talk. You can do this." The first two tries I kinda forgot that I wanted to stand. You're supposed to pop up on your feet. I had the energy to bring my knees forward, then I just boogie boarded. I mean, the third time I wanted to stand, but my body didn't really. I had fun. I just felt bad that I was the only one who didn't get up. Gavin wanted me to try again, but this body was done. I'm just really glad I didn't get too frustrated with myself. My attempt at water skiing with the Stroops in Atlanta ended in tears. At least I've shown growth in some way in the last 5 years. (I promised Gavin I would stand up the next time I try. Since I've been home I've practiced popping up. Does that make me a nerd or dedicated?)

Anna seems to be doing much better. I am glad, although I don't think either of us would have been disappointed if her kidney stones made us stay a little longer.

SA Trip- Saturday, June 11

2011-07-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today, we're going to the Lion Park. I've been excited about this since Michael first told us it was an option. Luckily, we actually are going to the Lion Park. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling too well today. Let's see if I can fake it for the lions. I would hate to offend. We'll take the car and Gracie the van through the park where most of the animals run free. I hope this doesn't stress John out too much. He has a tendency to be on the cautious side with the teens. It's been great for me because, for once, I'm not the strict one.

I didn't pet the teen lions like the rest of the group for a couple of reasons. The reasons make me a dork. A) I am cheap, so I better really want to do something to spend any amount of money, 2) I don't want bronchitis again. In my mind lions equal allergies equal bronchitis equal bills. So, I guess both reasons are I'm cheap.

Photos taken by Anna and Michael.

I got made fun of for never getting the timing on this one, so I am posting the best one I ever did. It's in Atlanta, back when I was young, agile, and 25. I'm the one on the right. Photo by Betsy Limbaugh

Anna hasn't been feeling well the last couple of days. At first I thought she was having the worst cramps ever. Then, I thought she has the worst gas ever. She wasn't passing it, I just mean I thought she was having stomach problems. One time in Italy my best friend thought he was dying. He almost had me call our teachers to take him to the hospital. I asked him if it was trapped gas, and he had no idea what that meant. I gave him medicine and an hour later he was fine. I figured Anna was having the same problem the other night. Then she told me she had a kidney stone 5 months ago. Oh. Ohhhhhhh! Let me say first though that Anna says all this like it's no big deal. She's kinda like the surfers around here, "Hey Fawn. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain's like a 15. It's pretty painful." She went off by herself the other night, and I found her in tears on the back porch. It's terrible being sick and away from home. The other teens were good to her. Toogle tried to give her dinner. He is truly a gentlemen at times. I love seeing young men act like men. I've noticed this characteristic in every guy on the trip, but I'll get into that on another day. Tia gave us some strong pain killers, and Anna fell asleep.

Tonight, she's feeling poorly again. Monotone Anna told me, "Fawn. It's the most excruciating pain I've ever felt." I told her we could go to the ER, but she didn't want to go. We gave her more of Tia's medicine and let her sleep on the couch. I went to the kitchen to do dishes and the other adults checked on her from time to time. I have no idea what to do! She's now downstairs sleeping while we're all doing what we've come to call the normal routine. Zach and Jesse are working on their duo act for the road. Lize-Marie and her friends from out of town are hanging out with us. A big group is playing some game in the other room. Toogle's singing loudly. Taylor B. and I are making bracelets. This is the only thing in my life that I'm fast at! I'm trying to make one for everyone that wants one.

Lize-Marie and her friends made us Vetkokk (fat cake) tonight. It tastes similar to Grant's mom's Spoonburgers. It was delicious!

1:30AM
At about 11:00PM Anna came into the room where the adults were hanging out. In that cool voice she said, "I think I need to go to the ER." I jumped up immediately and looked at Zach. I don't know how I looked, but I was panicking on the inside. "What do we do?" I thought. Gavin and Lindsay had already gone to bed, so Zach offered to take us. I told the group that was up late talking out on the porch that they needed to go to bed in the next 20 minutes. "Yes, mom." I grabbed my wallet, and we were off to the walk-in clinic.

We were the only ones at the clinic at first. The nurse asked us what was wrong, and all three of us just stood there. She looked at us like, "Hello? Who's the sick one?" I don't think any of us knew who was in charge. Then I realized, I guess it's me. I explained Anna was having a pain in her side and that she has a history of kidney stones. The nurse told her to come with her. I thought, "Anna's mom would probably not leave her side, so I should do the same." I asked the nurse if I could go with her and she barked, "Not right now!" Whoa! Do you hate Americans, women, young people, or just me? It took everything inside of me not to react. Praise God for self-control! I wouldn't have it naturally. I let the nurse take Anna away, and I sat down next to Zach in the waiting room. I kept thinking, "Anna's mom would be with her. I am an extension of Anna's mom. I need to be with her." I also don't like being snapped at by strangers. I want people to think I'm awesome. It's a vice. Tears welled up in my eyes. I was scared for Anna. I was scared to disappoint her mom. I felt like a failure all in a few seconds. "Keep it together, Fawn. It's ok. Pray."

Zach pulled out his laptop and began playing surfing footage. I thought that was the weirdest thing to do in a walk-in clinic's lobby, but I needed a distraction. I watched that surfing video like it was the most important thing in the world. Zach did too, but I don't think he was pretending. I asked him questions about what the surfers were doing. He answered, but I have no idea what he said. My thoughts were on Anna. "Where is she? What's Nurse Ratched doing now?" The nurse finally came out and looked at us as she walked by. I was afraid she was going to yell at Zach for playing video in her waiting room. She looked at my face and saw I had been crying. She softened immediately. I don't know how old I look. In my mind I'm still 17 years old, but I think I'm getting passed the "looking like a teen still" phase. Nevertheless, I don't think she realized I was Anna's "parent" until she saw how upset I was. Anna came out and the nurse said I could go to the next room with her. Had I known Anna was just peeing in a cup I would have let her go!

The nurse became so sweet in the examining room. She told Anna she had the prettiest eyes. I agreed. She left us to wait for the doctor. Anna started crying, and I hugged her like she was my daughter or my way little sister. I wanted to do whatever I could to comfort her. She had been so tough through all of the pain, that I hadn't realized how bad it all really was. The doctor prescribed some medicine, the nurse gave her a few shots, and we were discharged. Zach, Anna, and I had to pool our money to pay the bill, but God provided what we needed.

On the ride home the shots started working on Anna. Zach told Anna how strong he thought she was for dealing so well with all the pain. That's a huge compliment coming form him. I think Anna was feeling pretty good about herself after that. She should! She's birthing a stone! Zach said while we were with the doctor he talked with the nurse. She and her family had moved to J'Bay in the last year, and her husband had unexpectedly died six months ago leaving her with two young children. He said she was fighting back tears when she told him. I began to cry in the backseat. I hurt for her. I prayed for her. No wonder she was so snappy. I'm so glad I didn't react the way I wanted to when she barked at me. God is showing me that every moment is about touching other people's lives. If I can take myself and the offense done to me out of the equation, then God can work miracles.

I've let Anna take my bed. Before you think I'm so wonderful, please know that I've selfishly been sleeping on the most comfortable bed this whole trip while Anna has slept on a mattress on the floor. She's been telling me her back has been hurting for days. So, she's in my bed, and I'm going to sleep on the couch upstairs. Lize-Marie is up here, too, working on some of her artwork which is amazing by the way! We've talked about love and God and life! I love her so much! She said when she sees a man she is interested in dating she tells God, "I like this man, God. (I just love the way she says God.) If you want us together, if we make a good match, then great! Please let him know you think so. Until then I promise not to pursue him." I really appreciate that. We as women want to control things. Sometimes we're so controlling we never let the men be men. See I'll just do it myself! blogpost for my thoughts on all of that. Differing opinions welcomed. She told me earlier that she really enjoyed us being here and doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave! I just keep praying for God to call me back here. I'll scrub toilets for free just to be around the kids. I did scrub toilets as my very first job. Shout out to Blake, Michael, and Excel Maintenance & Cleaning Services!

South Africa Trip- Friday, June 10

2011-07-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

Taylor B. suggested months ago that we take plain TOMS shoes with us to South Africa, let the children decorate them, and sell them back in the States. I offered to help Michael organize the order, and we pre-sold 48 pairs to our friends. Today, we took the shoes to Ithemba and let the kids paint them. Gavin helped us logistically with the kids. He and Lindsay have the kids paint on canvas every year and bring the paintings to the States to sell for $250. This is one of their best ways of raising support for these kids for the year. A child will receive meals for the day, education, love, and Bible lessons from these paintings and other donations. Gavin and Lindsay rally behind each child hoping for their best possible future. The kids that show a genuine interest in their education have a chance to go to the private, predominantly white schools due to LUO's support. I get so excited when I hear Gavin or Lindsay talk about their love for these children. When we first arrived I thought they both must be in their early 30s, A) because they are friends with Michael's oldest sister who was a senior when I was in 9th grade, and B) because there's no way anyone would start a non-profit organization any younger. I was wrong! Gavin's 28 years old and Lindsay's 24. I'm so very encouraged by their desire to serve in extraordinary ways. They have 200 children at 24 and 28 years old!

Back to the TOMS shoes! Gavin chose some of the little ones to come outside to paint the shoes. The twelve of us took one child each and helped paint shoes. Ryan got a little messy in the process.

I had not noticed this little girl before when they brought her out to paint the TOMS. Her name is Sinovuyo, and in one day through this little girl God revealed so much of the maternal characteristics He has placed in me that I try so desperately to hide. I'll explain more later. (Meanwhile, my legs look paralyzed in this photo.)

This afternoon Zach had the children of all ages get on stage to sing some of their songs and dance. He got us up on stage, too. Basically, we were all on stage and only a few people were actually watching, but it was so much fun. Sinovuyo found me and wanted me to hold her, so we danced and sang together. Isive got a little jealous. I kept thinking I'd be okay if this trip never ended.

Zach had everyone sit down in their classes, and then called each group up to say their memory verse. Remember? The best group wins a prize! Gavin turned to me in and said you choose the winner, but I refused. I had too much riding on this. My class had asked me everyday this week, "Teacher, tell us the verse again. Ohhhhhh, it's too hard." We said it over and over again, "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139 verse 14." I passed my judging duty over to Ryan. Each class said the verse very well, and I think it's so great that Zach has placed so much importance on scripture in their lives. My group came up next! I ran up front just like a good stage mom, and sat down with Sinovuyo still in my arms. Mary from my class watched me the entire time she was up there, and they said it perfectly! I screamed and clapped! I was so proud! I moved to the back again and stood next to Ryan and just looked at him while he decided. I didn't say anything. No coercion! Ryan pointed to my group and made them the winner! I was so excited! I high-fived them all!

All the kids with good behavior stickers and my class got to go outside and paint the rest of the TOMS as their prize. I had Mary paint mine because Isive had already left for the day. I handed all of the shoes out and then Sinovuyo found me again. She was so sweet, and I could tell she was getting tired. I was tired, too. I sat down and rocked her while she sucked her thumb. I was a thumb sucker back in the day as well which made me think of my mom. I started singing the simple song my mom made up for me. At first I didn't know if I should. It's a very personal song between a mom and daughter. Zach had told me earlier that she was the youngest girl at the school and had already had a rough life. A grandmother type woman had taken her in to her home with five other children also. I didn't ask him more about her. I didn't want to know. I sang to her hoping she would forgive the delivery and just feel my heart:

Mama's baby girl

She's the sweetest one

In the whole wide world

Mama's baby girl

Sent from God above

To show me His sweet love

It's a simple song, like I said. For just a moment I wanted her to feel as much love as possible. She fell asleep while I sang the song. I'm really thankful Meredith took a picture of this because it will always be so meaningful to me. Children were running all around me with paint, so I decided to get up and walk around. I came around to the other side of the building where Zach was protecting the drying TOMS like a watchdog. I sat down on the ground, still holding Sinovuyo, and asked Zach if he ever loses his patience with his boys. He told me a few stories about how those young boys try to push him, but you can tell by the way he talks he loves them so much. I've asked Zach if there's a female equivalent to what he's doing with the boys. There is a teacher who works with the older girls. I never met her, so I don't know her name. Zach said she does a little bit, but she has other responsibilities with for her job. I keep wondering, would I be a possibility to do what Zach does but with the girls? I love being here. I love the children. I don't want to leave. The end of our trip is nearing, and it makes me sick to think about leaving.

After school Ryan decided he really wanted the Nike swoosh buzzed into his head. I wouldn't let him get a tattoo which he actually got upset about, so I guess this is our compromise. While he was getting this done, Jesse, Craig, Toogle, and I walked Nicole (17 year old) and Erica (another Afrikaans girl who works at Ithemba) down the street. They said they walk home alone through this part of town all of the time, but it was getting late. As we were walking we ran into a domestic dispute or something. A woman was very unhappy with a man and threw a beer bottle at him. I was surrounded by these guys who are bigger than I am, but then I remembered, "I'm 10 years older than they are." I decided to stop, watch the couple and their movements, then I hurried us along. I remembered what Lindsay said about being over on the weekends...maybe she wasn't kidding. Ha! We said goodbye to the girls and walked back to find Ryan's head looking like this.

South Africa Trip- Thursday, June 9

2011-07-05T04:00:00.000-07:00

4:00AM

I can't sleep. It's been raining all night beating against the window. We know that means our kids at Ithemba have been up all night fending against the elements in the shanties they call home. This means they may not come to Ithemba today. I keep praying for the rain to stop. I know they need the water but not like this.

Later that evening...
We went to the little ones' class this morning again. Taylor B. joined us, and Queen taught us our numbers from 1-10 in Afrikaans. Queen is a really cool woman. Yesterday, she told me she has lots of children and grandchildren. She sees the children at Ithemba as her own. She is a believer in Christ and told me about her son who died at 7 years old was also a believer. She said when her knees would ache her son would tell her that Jesus did not want her to be in pain. Then, he'd pray for her knees to be better. She said he went around to people telling them about Jesus. When she spoke of his death it brought tears to my eyes, but she says she's comforted knowing he's with God.

Queen also told me about a healing miracle she had in April. At first she wasn't going to tell me because I might think she's crazy, but I told her I believe God works in miracles still. She said her stomach was growing larger and larger and people thought she was pregnant. She went to a church meeting and the speaker said if anyone needs a miracle to yell out the name of Jesus. She tried to yell but it got caught in her throat. She worked her way through the crowd. As she stood in front of everyone she couldn't speak. She prayed in her thoughts and then it came out, "Jesus!" She then began to throw up and urinate on herself. I asked her if it embarrassed her, but she said no. She was getting her miracle! She went home that night and threw up the entire night. Luckily, she said, she has a toilet in her house. The next morning her stomach was gone! Praise God! I don't get it. I don't understand it. But if her stomach is gone then it doesn't matter. I really love Queen.

We went back to the house for another delicious lunch by Lindsay. After meal time two people always wash the dishes. We did a sign-up at the beginning of the trip and the kids left me and John together and all the meals towards the end for us. I told John I was going to go in the other room for a bit and to get me when he was ready to do the dishes. I fell asleep on the couch, but John didn't wake me. Good man! He did all of those dishes by himself! Lindsay woke me up right before it was time to go back to Ithemba. Actually, Gavin got confused on the time and had us leave an hour before it was time. It was fine. We can always use the practice run in getting 15 people out of the house.

As one of our service projects my group got to clean the children's home that LUO built on campus. We scrubbed the floors and walls and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. It's a beautiful facility! Lindsay's mom made the drapes on the windows. We wanted to make sure the house was really clean because the mom of the house has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Please pray for her complete healing. The other group joined us and I got to spend some quality time with Blake scrubbing the baseboards. I'm just blown away with how great these teens are!

Later in the afternoon Taylor B. and I went to the same classroom. Este finished up, but it was cold and rainy again, so we stayed inside. Lindsay joined us this time, and one of the girls, Danielle, asked if she could do her hair. Lindsay agreed even with the knowledge that it was going to be painful.

Lindsay also brought nail polish, so the girls painted their nails and then ours. There was bright neon green, neon pink, and purple. I have a weird thing about nail polish. I feel like my finger nails are suffocating. I know, weird. I made a humble sacrifice and let them paint my finger nails :) Isive came in later with little gold star confetti and they painted the stars onto my nails! It was very fancy! One girl wanted to do my hair, and I secretly wanted her to. I love my hair being played with no matter how painful. She and Isive did a great job.

I'm not gonna lie, at times, it did hurt more than I'm used to.

It was well worth the end result. Pretty.

Here I am with Siphelona. She's a little girl in Queen's class. I love how girly she is.

And just so you can see that even when Lindsay's hair is a mess, she's still beautiful, her's a picture. One day when we were playing Farkle (a dice game) I was extremely complimentary of Gavin. He makes every game super interesting and inevitably destroys it with his additional rules. Anyways, I was saying how I enjoy playing with him when Ryan yells out, "I think Fawn has a crush on Gavin." I am a 28 year old, single woman who spends the majority of her time with her married friends. I'm am super, SUPER aware of how I act towards married men. I don't want to ever make a girlfriend of mine uncomfortable. So, when Ryan said that I got more uncomfortable than I really should have and felt the need to overcompensate and said, "More like I have a crush on Lindsay." I think I thought that would be funny enough to even out what Ryan said, but in reality, it didn't. It made me look more like I just have a weird thing for couples. With all that being said, I don't have an inappropriate crush on anyone. I'm just fully amazed at how our hosts were constantly looking like models. That's all!

Tonight went like last night. Jesse, Lize-Marie, and Zach practiced on the worship songs for Sunday. I made another bracelet. Some people played Nerts in the other room. We all sat around and listened to Toogle sing the songs he was listening to privately on his iPod. Zach played one of his 19,000 songs from his computer. I left my hair in braids and the kids from my youth group said I looked like Jeanie, a character I do with my friend, Katie Culberson, sometimes. Looking like Jeanie is not a compliment. She is super unattractive. I told them I would make another video and let Jeanie vlog (video blog) about her time in South Africa. I'm proud of Jeanie because she's so funny, but I'm embarrassed that I can look that ugly. Anyways, I did it and let the teens watch. I was not really thinking that the other adults would care to see it, but I was wrong. All of the pretty people watched it, and I don't know if they truly could understand why I would ever do something like that. I don't have the video, so you can't really grasp how ugly she is, but I'll just say she has lots of chins, wears a mouth guard, has a unibrow, and is the most awkward thing I may ever do in my life which is saying a lot. Besides making bracelets, she's my best creation thus far.

Later in the night the same group stayed up talking around the dinner table. Zach and Gavin joined us this time, and I was enlightened by what they had to say. Gavin has great advice on marriage and sacrifice. He loves Lindsay, and I'm blessed to see that acting out in marriages. He said something like don't get caught up in looking for the right one. Work on being the right one yourself. I like that. It's nothing new to me, but it's a great reminder. I've been so caught up with wanting to be married at times, that I haven't always been living my life for God. That's all for another blog entry, though.

South Africa Trip- Wednesday, June 8

2011-07-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today was warmer than yesterday, mainly because the rain held off until 4pm. All 12 of us went to Ithemba to help with the little ones this morning. I joined Blake where he had been helping in Queen's class. Queen or Oma (Grandmother) is the teacher for what I guess is the 5 year olds class. Blake and I squeezed onto the tiny benches with the kids and listened to Oma's lesson. I asked Oma how old she is, and she told me she's 48 years old. Considering my mom's 10 years older, I'm not quite comfortable calling her grandmother, but she said it was respectful.

We moved from the classroom to the play-doh center. I sat down at the table with the trouble-making boys. They were all over the place. Queen left us alone for a second and those boys ran around picking on the little girls and taunting Blake. At some point they've asked Blake who he lived with and he said he lives alone. They asked via Queen if he is gay. Knowing they were mischievous I tried to refocus their attention at the play-doh center. One little boy made a heart, so I placed it next to my chest and had it beat. He thought that was hilarious. The next boy noticed and made me a star that I put on my eyes. Before I knew what was happening, they were making me all kinds of play-doh gifts! Bad boys always know how to play me.

Little Isive has become my favorite. She always looks for me and yells my name, "Fawn!" then runs away when I look for her. I love her.

After morning time at Ithemba we all went to check out Gloria's house. Unfortunately with the rain being so bad, her house is still flooding. We had to walk through so much mud to get to her home.

When we got back to the car and van (known as Gracie) we tried to leave but Gracie got stuck, and it took a while to get her out. I stayed in the car because my shoes had been placed in the back of Gracie, but I looked pretty useful as I watched them push. The guys were covered in mud when they finally got her out.

We were welcomed home to the smell of fresh pizza cooking in the oven. Lindsay goes out of her way to feed us food in which she knows every ingredient. We're getting spoiled and I like it. While we ate Gavin and Zach meticulously cleaned our shoes by hand. Every day I am taught about love through service by these people.

After lunch Gavin and Lindsay took us into the township to hand out oranges. "Funu e orangi?" That's probably not how you spell it, but I said it! Once the oranges were gone a bunch of our group played soccer with the kids. Lindsay and Meredith took pictures, and I became the hat rack.

When we got back to the school Isive found me immediately. That's us on the right in the back.

Tonight, I started making a bracelet out of yarn that Taylor B. bought at the store. It helps pass the time at night. I get a little too worked up when I play Mafia with the teens at night. Zach has started playing worship songs on his guitar and Jesse has joined in on the vocals. It's really nice to make my bracelet and worship God. Half of us have moved to the other sitting room to let the Nerts players be loud. Well, I think Zach was coming to the other room to get away from all of us, but we all like him too much, so I think we followed him in there. He'll just have to wait till we're gone to be alone.

Most people went to bed while the Nerts crew stayed up talking around the dinner table. Lize-Marie and I joined in to find they were sharing about their first "I love yous" and kisses. I love these conversations. I'm always shocked that most teenagers have said I love you to someone else when I never have. I've loved people, but I've guarded that word. I gave my opinions about life and love. I love talking to teens about this stuff because my married friends all feign interest because they love me, but teenagers think I'm profound! Craig said, "You should write a book, Fawn." I've read too many, and that's why I like talking about this stuff! Lize-Marie has great insight as well! I think I could easily make her my new best friend.

South Africa Trip-Tuesday, June 7

2011-07-03T04:00:00.000-07:00

This morning we went back to Gloria's house. Jesse wrote a song yesterday about Gloria. It goes, "Gloria, Gloria, Glo-ha-ria." It's catchy. It was the coldest day by far and rained the whole time. Of course I wore my shorts. The majority of my small group hid in the van from the rain. Here I am posing with Meredith. That's Gloria's house behind me.

This afternoon we went back to Ithemba where Taylor B. and I taught yesterday. Thankfully, Este the teacher was back! She has the sweetest voice, like an angel that you can barely hear. Due to the rain the kids decided to stay in the class the rest of the afternoon. Gavin came by and switched places with Este in the classroom.

Gavin is a really cool person. He is a perfect example of how God pursues us even when we don't know He exists. He didn't become a Christian until he was 21 years old, so he has a completely refreshing perspective on grace. He knows it's a gift and not something you strive for. He met his wife Lindsay right before she went off on her first trip to Jeffrey's Bay. He knew about Jeffrey's Bay because he grew up in Hawaii surfing and planned to move here once his football career was over. I guess God had the same plans. Lindsay came back to the States and they fell in love with each other and with the children at Ithemba. Before they were even married they launched LUO and began raising awareness of childhood poverty and taking donations. The organization is young but thriving. They have 200 children attending the school receiving education, meals, and Bible lessons. It's an organization that I would love God to call me to be a part of helping!

While Gavin helped a little girl named Nisha read an English book, I sat freezing in a comfy chair. A little girl walked up to me and sat in my lap with a book. It was in Afrikaans, so I let her read it to me. I don't know when it happened, but I fell asleep. It was the best nap ever. Her little body kept me warm. Hey! I'm sure I was keeping her warm as well! When she was finished, another girl, Danielle, played with my hair. It was another great day, and I'm so thankful we have more time together.

It's night and all of the teen girls are in their beds. Many of us made bracelets out of the hemp Jesse brought on the trip. As we prepare to sleep the girls want to have "girl talk." I've really enjoyed our talks at night probably because it's me doing all the talking, but the girls seem to like it. They've wanted to know what I want in a husband, the best first date I've ever been on, has my heart been broken, etc. It's all about boys. Usually is. I love these girls!